Life in Italy - #LifeHacking the Post Office

Anyone who comes to Italy for even about 36 hours finds out sooner, rather than later, about the notorious Post Office. Their misdeeds are the stuff of legend. Day in, day out when coming across Facebook posts of new arrivals unloading about the umpteenth miscarriage of mail justice that has befallen them, I sort of smirk to myself, smug in my knowledge that while it's cathartic to vent, they ain't seen nuthin' yet.
The Italian Post Office is a singular institution hellbent on making lives miserable. So much so, that I dedicate an entire chapter in my book to it: The Postman Never Rings Even Once. But I truly believe that desperation breeds innovation and it's why we now have email. 
And this is 2016. The Poste Italiane has been growing by leaps and bounds in efficiency, branding, banking, heck even free wifi - better to allow you to bide your time while dozens of octogenarians cash their pensions and then stand in front of the clerk for those 98 additional seconds to tuck away in a safe place their cash, or while people fill out the form - three of them - whilst standing at the counter, because to put them out would incite inmates, errr, clients to take and waste untold stacks of them. Things have changed so much that they're even charging us about 6 times other countries just for the luxury (and it is a luxury brand in my book) of mailing your letter.
But recently, like many of my compatriots, I had to submit my declaration that I do not, indeed, own a television. I went to the post office for the express purpose of mailing the registered letter. Let me just say that the clerk was super nice [another humongous improvement on the days in which she would have instead refused a letter because the address was written in green pen, or you stapled rather than slathered mucky goo all over the envelope to close it, or that your stamps were crooked, or that you wrote too many lines on a postcard, or you wrote below the line clearly demarcated on the postcard, or you requested far too many stamps, or the box was too big, or too small, or there was a slight bulge in the envelope, or that you wrote a note on the envelope, or you wrote England instead of Gran Bretagna...] I could go on. And on. And on. This is no exaggeration.
And so I was quite taken aback when she told me that I couldn't send my letter that way - meaning, in an envelope. I was quite used to the practice that if you sent a letter in an unsealed envelope, it cost less. So we all used to do that. But..no envelope? This was not in my personal annals of inane postal practices. And then...she did this: Risking her electric blue manicure, she set out to carefully craft an envelope out of my letter, employing scotch tape, stamps & staples. It was an engineering marvel. Standing there, it was as if witnessing a surgeon put one final stitch into a dying patient, or Betsy Ross sewing that last star on the flag...It was pure poetry in motion (and I'm sorry, but my surreptitious video does not do it justice...Did I mention it? No cellphones allowed at the counter? You can imagine where they draw the line on actually videotaping employees.)
Italy often has a lot of wild workarounds for what in other places would be straightforward, standard practice. Like the traffic lights all flashing yellow at midnight (click here for Midnight Run post), to keep people from running red ones. Or, side streets  alongside major thoroughfares which I am quite convinced are so guys can pick up prostitutes with ease - without causing traffic jams (anyone riding up the Via Salaria will know what I mean). Recently, our Prime Minister decided that since so many people pat ignored the heinous TV Tax, he would simply tack it onto our electric bills. I don't own a TV and if you want to get my taxation without representation vibe going, this is a fairly good place to start. Thus my registered letter. 
Flummoxed, I had to ask the clerk, just what this was all about. And with a straight face she stated that otherwise, people would pay for and send the registered envelope, empty. Basically, it was nipping a he said / she said accusation assault in the bud. They'd have proof of having delivered a declaration, when in reality, nothing was truly signed and sealed. By forcing you to provide the contents via a document-cum-envelope, well, then it had to be legit. I thought it was so you wouldn't send anthrax or bullets to our friends at the tax office for this highway robbery of a TV Tax - I'm sure they get plenty.
As someone who once paid a car accident of $103 in pennies (which is also illegal, btw), I had to admit, this was one genius move on the part of government. Now, about those Panama Papers??!

glide your cursor on colored parts above for more!

The Way we Were...Italian Style

As part of my occasional series on how far we've come in Italy (from telephones to cinema chairs -- click to read posts) just in the last few decades or so, this post takes on our 'Information Age'.  In our over-blogged, tumbled, stumbled and tweeted world, it's said that a person today gets more information per minute than the entire contents of the New York Times back in the day (which is not to say that the information they get is quite as valuable as it was back then.)  Today, we can 'Channel Surf' hundreds of channels, with programming bursting on the screen 24/7.

But in Italy, it wasn't so long ago when we were fairly contented with just taking our pick of one of three stations.  We'd have those delightful presenter-women telling us what to expect on the tube momentarily, and then, we'd simply wait for the program to begin.  Wait. And wait some more. [We were blessed back then not to have adverts filling the synapses with their rowdy blathering and vacuous housewives]. So we just watched the clock. Literally.
And here's how it looked like as far back as 1986 [try and see if you can kindly refrain from checking emails / text msgs / twitter / facebook pages for the duration of the video]:

Other live links to The Way We Were above.

The Spaghetti Harvest - A BBC Special Report

Anyone who has ever received an incendiary email supposedly penned by one famous figure or another knows by now that you shouldn't trust what you get in your inbox.  It's what Urban Legend bashers Snopes makes its living on.  But what if it is 1957, and everything you see on the tube must be truthful, especially if produced by the BBC? (Clearly, well before Fox News).  After all, it had been nearly 20 years since Orson Welle's infamous War of the Worlds.
You get a Swiss Spaghetti Harvest, well below the volume produced by the Italians.
Be sure to read the brilliant description of the entire event as posted by the Alexandra Palace Television Society archives.


Click Here for link to youtube posting

And, to viewers who wanted to grow their own Spaghetti Tree?  

They replied with that purely British humour:  Simply stick a sprig of spaghetti in a can of tomato sauce and hope for the best.

Buon Pesce d'Aprile!  (April Fish, not Fools in Italy)

Cappuccino Caldo with Carol

My friend Carol is always scoping the news to come up with an eclectic mix of fun, strange and otherwise obtuse comments around the globe that have to do with Italy.  They are so delicious that I am embarrassed that I've kept her findings all to myself. So, every so often when something truly rich comes along, I thought I'd repost here for all to see.  So, watch this space as we bring you the best of the antics of my paesani as seen from abroad (or rather, from a broad...).

http://tv.gawker.com/#!5763799/jon-stewart-weighs-in-on-silvio-berlusconis-giant-balls

As reported today by Matt Cherette on www.tv.gawker.com  — "Now I know why Venice is sinking—it is under the weight of Silvio Berlusconi's giant balls." So said Jon Stewart at the beginning of tonight's Daily Show, wherein he detailed the shocking, unrepentant behavior of Italy's Prime Minister.  And, although it's not true that the immunity law passed (thus his current legal battles, boiling up to the surface), it's still a fun piece of reporting.

In other pictures, one terrific sign posted with unusual irony that was brought to light during the protests reads (after the govt passed huge cuts to education & research),  

Silvio - If you can get it up, you owe it to RESEARCH!

,

Business Weak

A friend of mine recently gave me a fabulous hairbrush – so fabulous, I thought it came from a top salon. Turns out it came from The Euro Store – that Italian reproduction of the Dollar Store, except that everything’s $1.42 (at today’s exchange rate). But, funny thing about the euro store in Rome – the one near Piazza San Silvestro decided to improve on the dollar store – and go not one, but two better: His store is called the €1 €2 €3 store. So much for containing costs in a global recession.

Rome and the Province have been pretty busy busting up mafia organizations all around town. This month we heard that they’ve confiscated 328 properties owned by mafia ties (or their so-called, prestanomi – basically, unemployed people from the south with clean records who seemingly amass small fortunes overnight and buy prime real estate around the country).
So, with city funds low and operating costs high, what do they do with the property? Sell them at the amazingly high market prices? Naw….they want to turn them into various city buildings…uhhhh—basically making them cash bleeders, not givers. I guess even humble city clerks still want to stamp their cards under frescoed ceilings.

Along with their bust of haughty establishments like the Via Veneto's Caffè du Paris, (the swanky bar was closed for their money-laundering activities) – only to reopen a few hours later. Granted, that was to establish the City as officially governing their monies but still…

America just went to Digital TV. The government has offered coupons of sorts so you do not end up as roadkill on the digital highway. TV converter boxes usually cost between $40 and $80. Each U.S. household may request up to two $40 coupons to help pay for the cost of converter boxes.

In Italy, they’ve done the same thing. All you need is to purchase a simple decoder – the most economic – inappropriately called “ Zapper” (word used to mean switching from station to station, obviously due to the exceptional programming) – yours for only 100 to 200 euro ($142 - $284). You can even get a more interactive unit at the special price of only 250 to 350 euro ($355 to $500)!
But, not to despair, you can receive your own rebate of 150 euro per user! But before you rejoice, read the fine print: the Zapper is excluded from the rebate program. And, don’t forget: You better have your RAI subscription (107.50 euro) intact and up to date.
One thing I have to look forward to: If I’m over 65, I can get 50 euro off (but by then, will we even have Tvs?) And, when I reach 75, I don’t even have to pay the RAI shakedown!
Let’s hope there will be no more RAI by then.

NASA, Space Expeditions & (Un) Real Time Reporting

July 20th (21st in Italy) marks the 40th anniversary of the American landing on the moon. Everyone is making a nod to this great event, with TV specials, documentaries, interviews, heck – even Louis Vuitton came out with an extra special ad and web feature (as if they were the Official Sponsor of the Nasa Suitcase Supply).

In Italy, that fateful event did not go unnoticed. In fact, it remains in the collective consciousness a day of celebration for all mankind (except the ones who still believe it was all a hoax) and one of the great moments for TV reporting. In fact, from that day forward, TVs needed to be in every home (and with it, the notorious TV tax). While watching an excellently-commented documentary on Italian TV of the significance of that great day, I learned so much – not about opening frontiers where no man had gone before – but about the long-standing tradition of television bickering which started then; and is still going strong these 40 years later.

On that fateful day, over 20 million people were glued to their screens. It was the first all-live – 24/7 broadcast ever – a telethon of sorts lasting 30 hours. But, true to Italian organization, the only moment that was not broadcast was the landing itself. The reporters covering the event had gotten into an argument over whether or not the landing had just occurred. In their squabble, 20 million people tuned in to miss Armstrong’s fateful declaration, “Houston, the Aquila has landed.”

Basically, Tito Stagno, comfy in his RAI studio in Rome, was shouting (probably to best the on-location reporter, Ruggero Orlando live from Houston), “It’s Landed!”  Orlando chimed in, “No, it still has 10 meters to go!” Stagno couldn’t see the images just then being transmitted. From the base on the Sea of Tranquility, Stagno, trying to be the first, went down in history all right – for muddying the waters – as his name, Still Pond, suggests.

Another tidbit: The only other person who couldn’t see the landing was the third Astronaut, Michael Collins. His job was to stay in orbit to retrieve his comrades. Fittingly, our Michael was born in Rome – on the Via Tevere.

As the reporter for the Corriere della Sera so appropriately remarked of the occasion, “Noi siamo di quelli che quando il dito indica la luna, guardiamo il dito.”
We’re the ones who, when indicating the moon with a finger, ends up peering at the finger.”

Italian TV Presenters: putting on a new face

Since 1953, Italy has been using TV presenters to tell you the night’s programming, basically in what would be known today as a ‘videocast’. It’s one of the most endearing qualities of life in the Bel Paese. What’s more incredible about these announcers is that they are so loved, they are allowed to stay on long after their looks have gone into retirement. A few years back, the RAI decided to put them out to pasture – and in a public outcry so loud and long, they rescinded the order in a nanosecond. About the first time any government proclamation could be put into effect that quickly. Truly, in a country totally smitten with sexy young veline, the aging presenters are almost like an exhibition in a natural history museum, but we love them to smithereens.

And so, it comes as a huge surprise that metrosexual Italy has now chosen a new Signorina Buonasera – except he’s a Signorino. Even more incredible, he’s half-Egyptian, and it feels as if nothing short of a revolution is taking place – literally right before our eyes. In a nod toward their ever-changing population, they've chosen a young, tanned (in the Berlusconi-Obama sort of way), mixed-ethnicity guy with a truly terrific smile.

He would seem to have all the right credentials – but does he?

I have long held that Italy holds the title for the most over-talented and under-utilized population on earth. Well, even for our Signorino this seems to be the case. In a wonderful tribute article in the Corriere della Sera, we discover that our presenter Livio Bashir brings a curriculum vitae just perfect for this job announcing the evening’s shows:

- graduated with honors in Communications
- became a publicist
- won an Erasmus scholarship to the Social Sciences dept at Paris’ famed Sorbonne
- studied acting at the Living Theatre
- and has worked in theater, TV, movies and advertising

But, I shouldn’t despair. After all, Barbara Matera was a RAI announcer for 4 years. She’s now bringing down 20000 euro/month as a Europarliamentarian for Berlusconi's party.
Livio may just have the right credentials after all.

Tante Belle Cose - August 08

August was a strange month – one in which all my free newspapers were on holiday, so, it felt kind of weird but refreshing to have no news. I sort of liked feeling like an Albanian for awhile.

But, it was August and it was hot. So, when it came to flashing a bit of skin on the cover of magazines, was I surprised to see that Italy is having its own little anti-Berlusconi moment: Suddenly, the media is in love with stunning, sophisticated and dare we say it? Gorgeous older women.


There is a precedence because the entire country has been ga ga over Sharon Stone ever since her historical leg-cross scene (and I believe she was 36 at the time, twice the age of almost everyone in film or on TV). She’s aged beautifully—nothing that a few episodes of nip&tuck can’t take care of. And now, she’s even been seen with a man half her age. And even youthful but not young Jodie Foster is the face of my bank these days.

But this month saw 46 year old Simona Venturi gracing the cover of the Italian Vanity Fair. Followed by 44 yr. old Sabrina Ferrili being lauded in ads, on TV, in film and all the gossip and sports mags. Not quite satisfied, Vanity Fair just asked actor Monica Guerritore to pose nude at 50.



Aside from their looks, with the oldest population on earth, could Italy finally be facing up to the fact that readers and viewers are, in fact, on in years and no longer appreciate seeing tanga-clad nubile girls with Barbarella cone-like boobs?

Or, was it that viewership is off in the summer, so no one was really watching anyway?