Italy's Love Affair with George Clooney

Somewhere between his purchasing a house on Lake Como, starring in Siriana, the release of Vanity Fair in Italian, and winning the Oscar for Michael Clayton, George Clooney morphed into the new Italian version of Marcello Mastroianni.

No, that’s not a typo. I think that the Italians think that he is actually one of their own. I don’t believe he has any Italian blood in him, although they’ll – no, scratch that – they’ve already – let that little oversight go, too.

But, seeing that the Italians haven’t come up with a new Mastroianni since, well, Mastroianni, they’ve decided, like the entire Italian soccer team, to just import one instead.

You cannot turn a corner, open a magazine, look at a TV, bus, newspaper or website without seeing Georgello’s mug. As nice as it is to look at, could he really be that crazy about Omega watches, Martini Red, Toyota, Martini White, and Nespresso caffè? And, all at the same time?

This week he was stumping for Walter Veltroni, called to Venice to stump there, too, his latest film (as Actor-Director no less) In amore niente regole (Leatherheads) is plastered all over town. Sky TV and Fox use his movies regularly to promise you terrific films all the time. Too bad they’re all Ocean’s 11 – 12 or 13 24/7.

Even tonight they managed to pull out a 1995 flick, Accerchiato, in case we were missing him between 9 and 11 pm, since he’d already been on 4 other channels and all the ads in between.

This amore has gone so far that he’s slotted to play the head of the Italian P2, the high stakes men's club filled with Italy’s politicians and businessmen which eventually fell apart after the Tangentopoli scandal. Hearing him speak Italian, I just hope the script's in English.

At this point, I say he change his name, keep dating hot models, perhaps have a kid with Chiara Mastroianni, and maybe make a few remakes of Marcello’s movies—at this point, nobody would be able to tell the difference.

Italy's Elections--A Bit Too Cheeky?

There’s something a bit frighteningly familiar about the Italian elections tomorrow. It seems America is everywhere.

- Walter Veltroni lifted Obama’s Yes We Can! and depending on the translator it means the same thing, or We Can Do It! He’s now busy running around with George Clooney, who, the last time I checked, had not become an Italian citizen…

- If you check out Berlusconi’s Party, the Popolo delle Libertà (People of Freedom), you can find a version of their logo with the Statue of Liberty in there. What to expect from a guy who has been using the Bush playbook for the last 8 years? But, does he know that the Statue came from the French? Maybe it’s in honor of France’s new First Lady, the (former) Italian, Carla Bruni - who has recently traded in her Italian passport. Maybe Silvio thinks he can bag a French ex-model if he becomes Prime Minister.

- An affiliated site depicts terrific portrait photos of Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, and even Milton Friedman, as if they were acting as advisers in this election.

- And the weirdest part of all was the heated debate about the voting cards in which the symbols were printed far too close too each other. Instead of looking where the X marks the spot (e.g. the intersection), any card with an extraneous mark flowing into another party's symbol will be disqualified. They didn't reprint them (cost: €5M), but I'm sure they would throw most Floridians into a tailspin.

- And the myriad parties of the left, all aggregated even though they supposedly wanted to get rid of this plague upon Italy, are using the famous NBC Peacock to show they’re all birds of a feather.

But while in America we are only inundated with lawn signs on every other house, in Italy, every election season, sidewalks across every city, town and hamlet are plastered with the politicos and their cheeky grins smiling out at us.

And although the photo shots have vastly improved from the mug shots of days of yore, in an age where looks tend to win, I’m not sure this is always a great idea.

Sadly, the (very few) hotties get recognized only for their ‘eye candy’ appeal, instead of what might be their real solutions for resolving Italy’s blight. You'll see one candidate's response to the standard stiffs in suits on poster's around town. Hint: She's running for the Porn Party...hmmmm...I wonder if she'll win??

Italy's Tourism-Based Economy??

When are the luminati over at TrenItalia (Italy’s Train Co., the illustrious Ferrovie dello Stato) going to catch onto the idea that Italy is a country which is counting on the tourist dollar, or, rather, the tourist euro (since the Europeans are pretty much the only ones who can afford to visit these days)?
At Trenitalia, it’s almost as if the web designers like to view their work as a modern-day Rubik’s Cube. He who solves the puzzle is rewarded with a roundtrip ticket (paid in spades, by you, of course).

Here's a typical day-in-the-life of a foreign Business Traveler (who is fortunate enough to know Italian):

- Go to Trenitalia.it It redirects to the user-friendly, ferrroviedellostato.it followed by a gazillion other words and symbols.

- Pick your trips. No problems there. Put them in your shopping cart.

- Try to pay using a foreign credit card. You must log in.

- Log in doesn’t work. They say you need a new password (your password is fine, but, it’s probably been deleted for inactivity or some such nonsense). You make a few attempts. You’re timed out (why they need to time you is beyond me).

- You decide, after being forced to repick your itinerary 3 more times, to sign up as someone new (it’s about my 29th alias here). Go to inbox to collect their pseudo password, which does not work until you click in and change it.

- Back to your page, you try to retrieve your shopping cart. Deleted. I still have books to purchase on Amazon over the last 8 months. Amazon even adjusts the prices (except at Amazon, they often go down…)

- Start your ticketing all over again. After inserting 6 tickets, you go to Purchase. Rejected. You’re notified that the max no. of transactions is 4. Now that’s one for Business 101 -- Limit number of purchases for absolutely no apparent reason other than to lower revenues.

- So, you try to go to your list to delete out those last 2 tickets (all the while thinking, Lord in heaven, I’ll have to go through this again??!!) Meanwhile, your shopping cart has been annulled. Start over.

- 4 tickets this time. Go to cart. Everything looks pretty good. Make purchase. Your purchase does not go through (back to your pet foreign credit card theory). Your cart is annulled.

- Try calling ticket phone line where, I must say, the people are kind, courteous, and very well-informed. Only thing, she can’t hear me (there is so much noise in the background, I truly believe her). I call back.

- After sitting through a recording governing laws, procedures, and the entire Italian white pages, I get to the person, plead my case, but the line goes dead. Three more attempts to call back, the lines are now busy.

- Fifth call now. Eureka! They do my ticketing for me. But, I can’t take advantage of the 20% discount for Saturday travel. Finally, after a bit of pleading (back to Rule #2 for living in Italy, ‘never take no for an answer’), she tells me that I can get the discount if I go from Milano to Florence only. Great. I’ll take it.

- I then ask for a ticket from Florence to my final destination. We can’t issue those, as those are Regional Trains. Huh??? Aren’t you the train company for all of Italy? Yes, but no phone sales on regional trains. I will give a handsome reward to anyone who comes up with the rationale behind that one.

- Ready to purchase my single, one-way ticket (I needed 6 in total). Except they can’t accept foreign credit cards either. So, I can’t get a ticket. Back to Rule #2.

- I ask if she can, in the very least, reserve the ticket for me (she can). I have 24 hrs. to pick it up at one of the machines.

I am quite uplifted at this point, as, I have outwitted the system. Applying my dietrologia conspiracy theory, I believe they don’t allow foreign credit cards because they don’t want all us rich foreigners getting the online discount of 5%. I think someone should inform them of the dollar/euro exchange rate.
In any case, by having her reserve the seat, I still get the discount anyway. Ha ha ha.

- I offer this theory to the lovely ticket lady on the other side. She states quite confidently that it’s actually my credit card company’s fault and not a policy of Trenitalia. I thank her for her help, and I call Amex just to be sure. The Customer Service guy has a hearty laugh. I’m glad I could make his day.

So, the next morning…
- I am forced to purchase a full price ticket from the machines (which happily accept foreign credit cards).
- Upon arrival in Milano, I go to another machine to pick up my Saturday tickets. Code number she gave me is invalid. I have to pay for a full price ticket. Trenitalia gets the last laugh.
- I then proceed to the nearest travel agent (although I sincerely debate making a very slight detour into the rental car company booth), to start all over and purchase all my tickets, with discount.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that these tortuous machinations will, in the end, keep my brain nimble and my body supple…so all is not in vain.

An Italian Expat Repatriates

I am reprinting this post from www.beppe.grillo.it for your own amusement (or despair, whichever comes first):

An Italo-Australian from Agrigento came back to Italy after forty years. He was in for some wicked nostalgia.

photo from Fiat 500 blog: www.500blog.blogspot.com/

He left Italy in 1968 with Mike Bongiorno and Pippo Baudo on TV, and Andreotti in Parliament. Alitalia was on strike. He had to go by ship. The commuter trains were full, filthy and late. He remembered the road works from that time, happening everywhere. He remembers the Salerno-Reggio Calabria highway about to be finished. Back then, there was the crisis of the Mezzogiorno (Italy's Southern region), the problem of the mafia and the neo-fascists.
He’s found everything the same as before. Exactly the same.

On TV there was even Mino Reitano, Peppino di Capri and Gianni Pettenati singing Bandiera gialla. “And Pannella?” He asked me. “Is he still there?” I assured him that he’s still there and that he does a beautiful thirst strike. "And Albertazzi and Raimondo Vianello? How about them?" I told him that they are often in the prime time evening slots.
"What about Emilio Fede and Bruno Vespa,” he went on, “the TV News people?” “They have a different boss but they disinform even more than before -- their experience knows no limits,” I replied.

At that moment on the radio, Tony Dallara was singing “Come prima più di prima”{Like before but more so} and Mina was at the top of the best selling charts.

The emigrant thought I wanted to pull his leg so he started zapping the TV channels. To confirm his ideas.

He found: a debate about the modernity of the work of Manzoni with readings chosen from “I Promessi Sposi”, Roberto Benigni reciting The Divine Comedy and the Pope speaking from the balcony.

The last car the emigrant had, was a mousy-coloured Fiat Cinquecento, with a folding top. “And Fiat, how’s that going? And its current models?"
I hesitated a moment, frightened of his reaction. I then showed him an advert for the new Car of the Year – the Fiat Cinquecento.

“Mago Zurlì?” he whispered. I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t manage it. “Presenting Zecchino d’oro this year as well. But there’s no more Topo Gigio. He’s now gone into politics.” {note: Grillo's endearing term for Walter Veltroni}.

He returned to Sydney straight away, and sent me a postcard. It was an old postcard showing the rubble of Belice in Sicily after the 1968 earthquake, the same as today.

Tante Belle Cose - March

With record gas prices, inflation across Europe, a looming mortgage crisis, and no government, it would seem hard to find something positive in the horizon, but, never fear, the Italians are nothing if not enterprising people.

This month we applaud:

- Mr. Ferrero, the maker of that true ambrosia, Nutella, making the Forbes list as the richest man in Italy.
Now, if Forbes can just get at everyone else's hidden accounts in Lichtenstein, Switzerland and offshore hideaways, that list might truly be something to look at.


- The huge RAI TV antennas will no longer grace the Seven Hills of Rome.
Perhaps the enlightened (nonexistent) government will quit stalling on calls by pretty much everyone on earth to take down the ugly telephone lines draping the Tuscan countryside, this, too, would be a wonderful sight not to see.


- Italian Pier Paolo Cito who won the Award for Excellence for his portrait photo, Le Donne di San Luca of Photographer of the Year.

- The Romans, in a study of tourists, were listed as “I più belli d’Europa".
So now you know why I live here – it’s eye candy that even Mr. Ferrero can’t conceive of.

One Down (Almost), Two to Go

At the stroke of the (randomly fixed) midnight, the Air France-Alitalia deal was off the table. Both sides agreed to one thing, though; to abandon the talks and walk out in tandem, in disgust over a third party's improbable proposition (one that had nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to do with the financial deal, nor administration of the Company). Alitalia's President resigned in disgust, citing, "the only thing that can save Alitalia now is an exorcist." And as if on cue, today's paper ran a full page interview with a very busy priest engaging in such practices.
Perhaps he should have been at the table instead.

All of this melodrama, because of the unions, who have been feeding at the trough for decades now, are still gluttons for more.

Although my not-so-secret desire is to see Alitalia, lying belly up like an overturned turtle, rudders flapping in the wind coming off the runway, it would appear that the unions are inflicted with a serious disconnect. I hope they're all sent home to watch reality TV 24/7 'til the end of their days. Now that would make a good 'reality check'.

That leaves my last two monopolies, Agip & Telecom to see crumble under the weight of their own shoddy business practices. [Although I confess, I have ended my personal boycott of Agip Gas, as they have the lowest prices in town -- but it's still a matter of knowing which stations to avoid -- the ones with pumps running on speed dial. I may even provide you with such a list, but first I must talk to my legal advisors about the laws governing defamation.]

As for Telecom Italia, it is an entire conglomerate founded on the Mafia principal of extortion. They have been milking their customers since the day Meucci got a dial tone.

Instead of actually growing a business, they have been perfecting their decades-long practice of inflated bills, false advertising, shoddy telephones (no returns), worse installation, and gauging the customer by forcing them to purchase over-priced and faulty modems. Only just today they received an injunction for hiding 899 numbers (high-priced 900 numbers) in their internet service in order to bill clients hundreds in dialups, unbeknownst to them.

Up until 1994, customers weren't even able to view their call details (although Telecom seemed to know exactly how much you spent and where). Nowadays, they mask your calls by printing out only the first few digits ("right to privacy" they claim--ignoring the obvious fact that you dialed that private number in the first place).

Every time I get a poor salesgirl on the line trying to get me to switch back to Telecom, I explain that I won't rest until I see her Company owned by Deutsch Telecom. Heck, even Bolivian Telecom would be an improvement.
Let's see if this little wish doesn't one day come true.

Malpensa-on life support

Monday marked the first day that Malpensa Airport was running sans Alitalia. Which meant, in short, that it was running a lot more smoothly. Having cut traffic by about 70%, for the first time since the airport opened everyone got their bags – and, in under an hour.

But, really, they keep talking about reducing the costs of operating: so now they’ve sent home thousands of workers for 2 years – with pay. At least for the baggage handlers, all of whom got to keep their jobs even after being caught with their hands in well, other people's trousers, so to speak, this is tantamount to a paid vacation. They’ll finally get a chance to use all the terrific high tech gadgets they’ve been pilfering for years.

In Rome, on the other hand, things weren’t as bad as Heathrow’s Terminal 5* (so much for the supposed impeccable British organization)…but, of course, there were lines for check-in and lines for luggage. Needless to say, all easily resolvable if they’d just hire a few people, but naaaahhhh – obviously too much trouble.

And as if on cue, today it was announced that Milan won the hosting of Expo 2015. Not such great news for the hundreds of thousands of people they expect who will all be re-routed through Rome.
Or perhaps, in 7 years’ time, they’ll finally let the foreign carriers pick up some of the now-empty slots.

*And in a true twist of Strange but True happenings, the problems at Terminal 5 are so great, they're actually going to -- and I hope you're seated as you read this -- send the bags to Milan's Malpensa for sorting!!!! I think someone forgot to tell BAA that the baggage people are home watching TV - and getting paid for it. One truly has to note that problems must be pretty bad up there across the channel for the Brits to rely on the Italians for organization...

It’s no wonder they call parts of the airport Terminal.