Wednesday, July 11

Italy's Beaches And other life-threatening dangers

Italian newspapers don't run 'The funnies'.  It doesn't matter, because every summer, we expats get to amuse ourselves by perusing the headlines that do their very best at imitating that very American import, scaring the beejesus out of anyone for the slightest possible cause.  In Italy, the main victims are those who dare to enjoy themselves at the beach.  Fortunately for the seaside resorts and beach property managers, most of the 60 million or so who spend their summers on the Adriatic or Mediterranean coasts, are not really paying that much attention.  Nevertheless, every summer, I put on my shades and comb the papers to gather up the year's threats, as numerous as seashells washing up to shore.
Eat at your own risk
photo from:  The Idea Girl Says
Today, (and of course, this is not funny), a 46 year old man drowned and his girlfriend nearly drowned after having gone in for a dip on a beach in Anzio.  The article quoted the head of police saying, It was a lethal cocktail of - [insert music from Jaws here]  venturing in the water shortly after lunch...that tried and true method of being swallowed up by the ocean as quickly as you downed your last piece of pizza and...not knowing how to swim.
A lethal mix?  How about just placing your bets on that last minute detail, inserted in the article as a sort of afterthought?
Turns out the sand under the water is not just one long knee-deep adventure.  Like most swimming areas, there are hills, holes, dropoffs.  But, if we are to believe the press, the culprit was the spaghetti misto di mare, and not the mare itself.  Unfortunately for the two waders, they were not in an area supervised by a life guard.  But, judging from my life guard from last summer, I don't think it would have helped.  Here he was, giving errrr mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for hours on end with a seriously lifeless babe (I mean, what else could it have been?), while the tiny babes splashed wistfully in the sunshine.  Hopefully, their parents knew to keep a close eye on them, because up in his perch, his eyes were surveying a different kind of horizon.
As for the Italian man who drowned frollicking with his Romanian girlfriend?  I wonder how his wife will be taking the news.


Anonymous said...

As a relation of the drown man I feel you could have dealt with the subject of his death with more respect.

Irreverent Italy said...

Dear Anon: Please let me say, I am very sorry for your loss. Having said that, unfortunately, I would also say that a satirical blog isn't quite the place to go for condolences.
In fact, it's not what I do. I can already see my very own obit writ: "Died of asphyxiation while getting mouth washed out with soap."
I would direct you to the Italian newspapers, but they don't run those shmalzy obits either. You'd probably have to go to your local parish to find kind words for the deceased, but then again, the priests usually make that stuff up too, since no one goes to church anymore.
In short, and as I wrote in the post, it's not a comical situation all around.