In Vino Veritas? Not in Italy

For a fully wine-producing country (whose output has just outpaced France), truth doesn't seem to flow out of the carafe all so easily. In fact, anyone who has read my book will know that I entertain a number of theories on why Italians play so fast and loose with the truth [Spoiler Alert: I think it goes back to Judas or Brutus...and their lofty place in history]. And while these attitudes flummox newcomers and tourists in equal measure, I must say that decades on...It sometimes gets the best of us old-timers, especially when you're faced with a flurry of truthiness all at once.
And so it was, when I woke up and went to my wondrous bar and noticed they no longer touted my brand, Illy Caffè, which is the only reason I would pay as much as a bag of espresso beans for a single, solitary cuppa. No more snazzy cups, no cute little lists of ways you can drink a flavored Illy coffee that would put Starbucks to shame. And worse, the coffee sucked. So I mentioned that I noticed the brand had changed...Emphatically, they insisted that no, it had always been this coffee...but maybe a while back under previous ownership...so on and so forth. So earnest was their protest, I started thinking I had the wrong coffee bar.
Returning home,  the doorbell rings. It's one of a posse of faux Energy Utility guys telling me that my contract needed to be revised if I would just sign the dotted line...I rebutted that if the Company had something to tell me, they knew where to find me. By mail, or email. Then, in a case of 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em', I lied. I said it wasn't my contract to begin with. At which point he threatened me saying that if I didn't sign up a new contract, I'd be paying four times the amount and it was illegal to have a contract not in my name...and so on. I shut the door, called my utilities company who told me to --- shut the door on these jokers.
My neighbor's pipes broke, staining three walls of my office. Upstairs I go. She admitted it, but raising her hands in the air and giving me 'The Chin', said she wasn't the one responsible. Or, that she'd get someone to look at the damage the next day. Or that it was the building admin's job. Or... We'll see how long it takes to get someone to repair the damage.

Pinocchio...an Italian DOC
Photo by Walt Disney Studios

Out again at the marketplace, I surveyed some clothing items, on sale at season's end. Some items looked nice, but on closer inspection, I found the stitching  coming out on each piece I happened to pick out (okay, they were on sale, after all). The retailer, like a hawk, swooped in to tell me how fabulous these items were. When I pointed out the problem with them (aiming, I admit it, for a hefty discount...) I was met with, "No, these aren't defective! This is just how the items are made!" She was insulted that I would dare suggest that her custom may be somewhat, say, of low quality [did I mention I was at a market stall?].
I walked away...scratching my head and recalling the words of my former [Italian] boss who loved to quip that Italians didn't quite beat you at the game, as much as simply wear you down...

Business Weak...Italy's Trains, Planes, & Automobiles

I've read all those Economic posts. Italy's economy is weak because of poor institutional environment, labor market problems and finances.  And while I could say that the most solid institution being the Mafia is going great guns (a concern estimated at $80 billion in revenues - of course, they don't pay taxes, but heck, neither does Silvio's Mediaset), I'd like to venture forth with an entirely different take on the matter.
Italy's economy is the 10th largest on God's Green Earth, no. 5 in the Euro Zone.
Although stagnating since oh, about 1992 (funny, since I got here), and with a Debt to GDP ratio over 100%, I love to fantasize what I'd do if I were Minister of Finance (That's where the Trains come into this post as in Train Wreck).  In my wildest dreams, I would propose a two-pronged economic formula:
1) Flexible hours & ability to have sales would boost the economy three-fold.  In my neighborhood, I can't bring clothes to the dry cleaners on a Saturday. Talk about pent-up demand. I hand-wash instead.  Now, they've tried the liberation of store hours in Rome.  Thousands of businesses closed anyway, because retailers all teamed up and decided NOT to open at lunchtimes and on their "off" days (don't ask), and on Mondays and weekends [that's due to the labor costs].
But, take a look around you.  Those business-savvy Bangladeshi guys are open morning - noon - and night.  And I'm sure by now more than a few of them have returned home very wealthy men.  Every day another Italian shop closes only to be re-opened by the Chinese trinket guys or the green market Bangladeshi.
2) Employ True Customer Service.  No, not the gals & guys working the phone lines that cannot for the life of them go off a one-word script of "NO!", but real customer service.  I'm convinced that people don't buy things anymore knowing that nothing will come of it if something goes wrong.  When everyone is cynically ripped off, they become cynical shoppers.  I, for one, would prefer to order by mail everything - even trusting that it will arrive thru that true customer service provider, The Italian Postal System.  This worked fine until the Italian govt caught up with us, and levied an automatic 21% sales tax on everything we were bringing into the country.  I started a courier service thru friends worthy of a Colombian drug lord.
Need more proof?
- The vacuum repairman convinces you you need a new motor. Still doesn't work & then tells you you have a 'new' issue and, of course, he 'never would have changed the motor if it hadn't needed it in the first place.'
- Your electricity bills are inflated or your phone co. overcharges and then charges you $1.50/minute - putting you on hold for over 28 minutes - just to tell you that they can't help you.
- Or, in my recent spat with SIXT CAR RENTAL, who charged me a nominal 25 euro above & beyond my confirmed cost on the car, ignoring my a) proof of rental agreement b) my email requests and c) their very own Customer Service line, which, to their credit was at least a free call. To get an answer, an accommodating gentleman in the UK office working the twitter lines is helping me resolve the matter.
-  When I was given the wrong battery for my car, the shop guys refused to exchange it.  I contacted Bosch headquarters in Germany, and was given a VIP treatment - on a Saturday no less - by their head tech guy in Rome as if I were Mrs. Mercedes herself.
- When my router didn't work, I tried everything.  I was told to pay about $100 for a technician to come and 'see' what the problem was, when the entire time I insisted it was because I own a mac [The Apple guys / the Telecoms guys and the router guys all said "That had nothing to do with it."]  I finally contacted the Tech guys at D-Link Australia who finally sorted me out giving me the correct codes over the phone (a 25 cent phone call).
Must one really resort to going to the UK or Germany or - gasp! - Australia to get some requisite customer service?  In the Capital City of the 10th largest economy on earth?  People have stopped partaking in the process because they think it's futile. Why pipe up about the trash or the gypsies or the graffiti or the roads or whatever when you know nothing will be done?  You simply shrug your shoulders and move on.

From Premier Portfolio

http://www.premier-portfolio.com

Ahhh...but I mentioned planes.  On the flip side, I purchased a tiny model plane of this snazzy Virgin Atlantic Boeing jet at WH SMITH in Luton Airport (London).  It was on sale.  Back home, I discovered why that was. It was missing the body and the fuselage, along with it's cute little stand.  I didn't contact WHSmith because I didn't really want a refund, just another plane body (I was now the proud owner of the wings & tail fins).  So, I contacted the suppliers on the package, Premier Portfolio instead.  And without even having submitted my sales receipt and photos of the missing airplane body, within about 3 hours I received a return email:  Sorry to hear that you have had problems with our Scale Model Plane.  A replacement will be sent today via standard Airmail.  Apologies for any inconvenience caused.  Kind regards, 

I teared up.  Truly.  With this kind of service Italy would set the world on fire.  But first, I just need to make sure the customs officials don't charge me 21% tax and service charges on top of it.   

Life in Italy Top 10 Reasons You've Not Got Mail

Anyone who lives in Italy knows that the Italian Post Office in all its forms (from mail clerks to carriers to delivery to home banking) is the bane of one's existence.  Simply put, it's the flip side of the frittata to stunning scenery, passionate people, magnificent monuments, unbelievable food, events, culture and more.   I'm amused daily by tweets and facebook postings on people's Italy post office blues.  I often repost them in the right hand column of my blog, under Overheard or on my own fb page, but I dedicated an entire chapter in my book entitled, The postman never rings even once.
After the mail carriers (supposedly) shipped back 100 copies of my book rather than bring them to my doorstep -- I have bets placed that I will never live to see their shiny Burnt by the Tuscan Sun covers -- and yesterday's defeat at the hands of the despotic desk clerks, I have decided to share with you my very own David Letterman moment:  The Top 10 Reasons Why We Refuse to Take Your Mail.  But, unlike Letterman, each and every one is an actual response I've received from the people who I am by now quite certain live out their measly existence by wielding power in their pat refusals to provide you, the person keeping them gainfully employed, with this most basic service.  Giving you stamps.

The Top 10 Reasons Why the Italian Post Office Clerks Refuse to Take Your Mail

10.  You've written the address in green pen  [note:  the same applies to red pen as well]

9.    Your envelope has been stapled [and the metal staples might cause harm to our carriers]

8.    It's ten minutes prior to our ten minutes before closing time and we won't take any more transactions [ignoring the fact that you've been inside the place for over an hour]

7.    We have a new order that only 5 transactions are allowed at a time.  You have seven envelopes requiring postage.  I will give you postage for those five, but you'll have to take another number and wait to do the next ones

6.   The USA has stopped accepting packages

5.  Waiting for my number to be called so I could post three letters, I found out they had closed down the letters & packages window altogether to provide for more windows to the hundreds waiting for their financial transactions (avg transaction time:  12 minutes per customer).  I can't reopen the window - it's the system that closed it down - you'll just have to wait til all others before you are helped [note: term used quite loosely]

4.   I can't weigh the letters at this window to determine the postage - you need to go to the window across the way and get them weighed [implying taking a new number and waiting hours in line] / [postscript to this entry: I did just that, the co-worker penciled in  the postage amounts, to wit the clerk then said How do I know that you didn't just write them in yourself and they, indeed correspond to the correct postage?

3.   You wrote 'UK' for United Kingdom on the envelope, and it should be Gran Bretagna (Great Britain) 

2.   [No explanation] They just left you standing there and went on their coffee break

1.  We have no stamps here [this excuse comes in many other forms from 'we don't have the right denominations', 'you want too many stamps', the meter is down, the meter can't post to the USA, the list is endless]

For anyone attempting to apply logic as in...Why don't they just give us postage stamp machines?  The reasons are two-fold:  

a) It would imply someone filling them up with envelopes, money and postage labels to keep them running, which, after day 3 would no longer be in service and 

b) in a country in which the second favorite national pastime is beating the system, they would need someone to check that the postage on the package was accurate, as everyone would simply weigh out boxes empty, get the stamps, and then and only then fill up their boxes with leaden materials and pop them in the mail.  

Lost Luggage? What (not) to do in Italy!

No sooner had I posted that TrenItalia was finally going to search for your left luggage or lost objects, than I lost my cellphone aboard an Italian train.  I decided to test drive their new service and see how I fared:

- The announcement was made on 18 Nov stating that people like me ("the distracted traveler") can now report their lost objects to the Ufficio Assistenza Clienti at the main rail station where they have disembarked.

Unfortunately for me, I did not read the fine print with the operative word, "subito" (immediately).  Although I had noticed my cellphone was missing right away, and even re-boarded to look for it, I could not find it.  It could be that it had been stolen off the little table in my distraction disembarking the train.

- Checking the Trenitalia website, however, this announcement has not made it to the computer screens of their online web content person, most likely the son of a manager's lover, hired to keep him out of trouble.  I began the Italian internot series of surfing the web (which generally feels like the surfer has actually been drowned by a massive wave).  

Clicking on:  

- Lost Luggage = Contact the City of Rome then trying

- Assistenza Clienti (Customer Assistance) = Contact the City of Rome then on to

- Lost Objects under the Station Services Tab = Contact the City of Rome

and finally, looking under 

- FAQs / Oggetti Smarriti (Lost Objects) you will find the Civil Code detailing why, in fact, you must Contact the City of Rome.

Each of these options boldly promised "For more information, click on Trenitalia website", of course with a live link redirecting you to ticket purchases only.

All of which provoked the question, Does the Mayor's office get involved?

- I of course was still operating under the assumption that should my cellphone have slipped and fallen, perhaps the Cleaning Crew might bring it in.  After all, my train was the last one in that night, and perhaps by morning it'd be found and handed in the next day to Customer Service.  So off it was to that very place.

- I was given the typical customer service song & dance that one commonly receives when faced with any dilemma: "No can do."  Followed quickly with, "You should have come in immediately, we don't hold objects, we can't help you..." and soon thereafter by the agent just getting up and walking away from her desk.  A forlorn soul behind her took pity on me, flicked some pages in a log book of lost objects (I am assuming, but it was probably their bets on the day's soccer match), and shrugged her shoulders.  I asked if they might at least list what I was missing and my contact info...but to no avail.  I offered that perhaps the cleaning crew might turn it in, and then how would they reach me?  In response, I was given a tiny over-copied slip of paper.  On it, the Magic Words:  Contact the City of Rome.  At least this time it was specified "Lost Objects Office", emails & other contact info.

- I was then told to file the "Police Report" in order to assure that my tel number would be cancelled by my operator.  The dept was located nearby, right in front of Track 13.

Going there, I was sent to Track 1 - about 1 mile away.  

- Thankfully, the police dept was actually on Track 2, so I only walked about 1/2 a mile.  Once inside, I began the wait - but after 40 minutes the same 3 people were still ahead of me.  So I up & left with the knowledge that my cellphone was now in use by some lucky chap who boarded the train that very morning.  So off I went directly over to a Vodafone store.

- Turns out, I no longer need a police report for them to cancel the SIM card & issue a new one.  New card in hand, I started receiving messages from the fellow that had my phone.  With a sense of humor, he asked if I might not top it up with funds.  

- I had an appointment at the Carabinieri later that day, so I filed a report - saying this guy clearly had my phone.  That "denuncia" (complaint) only took about 40 mins. to complete-they didn't ask for my first born, just my father's name. I would like to think that they'll track this guy down thru his cellphone that now appeared on my screen (as the Italians like to quip, La mamma of the idiots is always pregnant...). 

In short, the new TrenItalia fab "lost & found" service:  

(0) in communications

(Sub-Zero) if you only notice your missing item much later 

and in terms of efficiency (-25) Contact the City of Rome's lost & found office 

Once there, I can assure you, you will be sent to the police station taking hours to file a complaint, and, only in the unlikely event that your bag or object should ever turn up (assuming the gypsies haven't pulled it out of the rubbish bin first), you would need a return trip to Italy just to check on it and retrieve it.  (-100).

Oh - and to Contact the City of Rome?  

Try email:  oggettismarriti@comune.roma.it

Address:  Circonvallazione Ostiense 191

opening hrs:  

Mon-Wed-Fri 8:30 - 13.00 / Tues 8:30 - 13.00 & 15.00-17.00 / Thurs 8:30-17.00

Back to Business (as usual)

Ahhhh...summer travels - you visit new places, some exotic, some chaotic...For me, spending summers in Italy is always a treat. The cities empty, the drivers are psychotic, but thankfully fewer, the season's events always spectacular.  But for others, lulled by the non-stop hospitality of faraway places, or just being coddled in places so exotic they forget how going back to reality might just feel...But upon your return, there's always one instance that reminds you that the summer lovin' has been called to an abrupt halt.  And in Italy, that usually has something to do with the Post Office, the supermarket, or calling a toll number customer (dis)service line.
A friend who travels back and forth to New York relayed his very own 'Bentornato in Italia' moment.  It happened at the swanky Feltrinelli store in Milan's fashionable Galleria.  Innocently enough, he breezed in to buy a few cds.  The clerk, upon ringing up the sale informed him there were no plastic bags for his purchase.  Clearly a laureate of five-star customer service training, indeed, she informed him that he "could just put them in his pockets or something."  A look of dismay crossed his face, and after he stated he might have wanted to look around, but perhaps he should only limit his browsing to pocket-sized items, she offered another type of bag for 20 cents.
Clearly not thinking like a local, he said, "If you're out of the regular bags, perhaps you should be giving me that bag for free..."  Thinking exactly like a local, she didn't budge.
Refusing to pay for a plastic bag, he then proceeded to try and put items in his jacket pockets without getting stopped by security.  As he went on his way, he happened across another cashier.  There, he found umpteen bags for the taking. 
His American side wanted to perhaps mention to the first cashier that it might be a good idea to ask a manager or a fellow cashier for bags when one went dry, but then, his Italian side kicked in and he just grabbed a bag, shrugged his shoulders and went on home. 

Back to Business

No sooner did the lull of the holiday break subside, than we were painfully reminded of the grinds of our daily routine:  the one pitting the poor sod of a lowly consumer against the corporate pencil-pushers who would rather ‘Just Say No’ than accept the idea that, perhaps, it’s due to customers giving their custom, that they are dutifully employed in the first place. 

My own ‘giornata a no’ – the Italian expression for a ‘bad hair day’ – began like many others (and, I must say, my hair was a mess).  I tried to recycle my plastic, but every single bin within a 1/2 mile radius was filled to the brim.  So, setting my sights on the Bancomat to get some cash, it was in its customary ‘Out of Order’ status.  At the Post Office, I discover that some smart thieves – or one seriously irate customer – had rammed a truck through the front window.  Off to the main post office, the manager comes out shouting, “Tutti Fermi!” – “All freeze!”  Luckily, it was just to perform a backup (during operating hours?) and not another heist in progress.  [After they've doubled - doubled - postage rates, I pondered who, precisely, were the heisters...] Checking the movie times, I decide to head over to my favorite cinema before it is turned into a Diesel store.  Once there, I find it already bolted shut, signs plastered, “No longer in operation” – just like the Bancomat.  So much for fact checkers.  Trying to get home, I board the bus which has a ticket machine aboard.  Also out of order.

But, my favorite came in from a friend who, on his way to New York, withdrew $2000 to deposit upon arrival.  Withdrawing large sums of money in Italy comes with a lot of pomp & circumstance:  letters in writing, lots of stamps, your i.d. card; you would think you had just stolen it and they need to make up Exhibit A.  In New York the next day, his bank takes one look at a bill and stamps COUNTERFEIT all over it -- making copious copies, and having him sign declarations, and all that. 

He immediately contacts his Italian bank, forwarding the copies.

Their response: “We have nothing to do with this. How do we know it’s ours (denying the existence of serial numbers), and besides, it is your responsibility to check the bills prior to exiting the bank.”

Aghast, he mentions that, to the best of his knowledge, his iPhone does not have an incorporated infra-red machine but, besides, "Isn’t it the institution’s responsibility to check their own bills prior to issue?"

Again, the request is refused.

He then mentions his bank accounts, mortgages on two apartments and other business he may reconsider holding with them, should they not simply look into and rectify the matter.

Their response (ignoring the previous communications and reams of request papers involved): “We cannot possibly honor bills after 8 months have passed since their issue.”

He then reminds them – that those conversant in the banking world might want to keep in mind - that in America, the dates are inverted.  "And so no, it’s not from April 1^st, but rather from January 4^th," the day before, as reported in the initial request and subsequent documentation.  He goes on to suggest that his friends in the room, all NYC bankers, will reconsider their business with the bank, and one institution already refuses to do business with them for their lack of – shall we say, propriety – in conducting int’l transactions.

Their response: “We will look into it, but please know that our bank is changing hands, and you’ll have to deal with a new entity upon your return.”

After more negotiations upon his return to Italy, he finally was credited the $100.   His time?  About $800 worth.

Coming to America

Anyone who says New Yorkers are rude, has clearly never set foot in Milan. From the Customs Officials chirping, well, okay, grunting, ‘Welcome Back Home’ right down to Merl the cool bus driver telling me that “If any other driver tells you you can’t bring the pup, you tell him, ‘Merl said to take good care of me’”, the bon amie has been baffling. And that’s without anyone actually seeing Trevor – America is an extremely dog un-user-friendly place -- who could melt the frigid heart of Torinese widow in about 12 seconds flat.

At Newark Airport -- a place so completely comfy it feels like Milan’s Linate or London’s City Airport – even though it’s three times the size -- I found myself being escorted to the holding pen at immigration. Although I’m an American citizen, I’m on a delinquent list for having had 3 passports stolen when traveling/living in Europe. Combined with my two year hiatus, they wanted to just make sure it was me trying to break the border.

Traveler’s Advisory: Always take the U.S. Embassy recommendations, and leave your passport at the hotel and carry a photocopy. Yes, the cops might get mad, but you won’t end up on the eternal roll of the delinquency list.

At Ground Transportation I felt I had walked into the control tower for JFK. Debra the Manager was handling three customers, two staff and three telephones – not one her own cellphone. “Where you goin’”? She’s calling up the companies for me, negotiating the rates…”No, no, no, no, no!” – hanging up. “I got $29 and they’re trying to charge you 60.” Next company, 33. “I got 29 (she pipes up, looking annoyed) – “Okay you’re good to go. This gentleman (in the red suitcoat) will be escorting you down to the Welcome Desk where your driver will meet you. Have a great time in Jersey.”

As I left the airport, my thoughts drifting to Debra perhaps telling me $60 only to split the difference with the operator…surrounded by signs reading, ‘If they ask you for a ride, You shouldn’t be taking one’, I thought, ‘No Debra, you’re not in Caltanisetta any more…’

LowCost Airlines-You get what you pay for

Today is a day that will certainly go down in history.
It’s a day that marks those first cracks in a seemingly 46km long barrier between those allowed to practice free choice, and those who would refuse their brethren these basic freedoms. While it is never as great as the first time the wall was breached, it is still a day to be remembered for generations to come.
The Fall of the Berlin Wall? No.

The day I actually achieved the nearly impossible feat – obtaining a reimbursement of sorts by an Italian Customer “Service” department. It’s not the first time it has occurred-in my nearly 18 years here, there’s been one – but who’s counting? - one – other time.
It’s a momentous occasion which deserves great pronouncements, so as one of my occasional Public Service Announcements, I will share with you the details behind this very exciting episode of history in the making:

6pm - I went to LastMinute.com to purchase a ticket to the USA (after 2 years’ absence, I am totally – totally excited about this (in the American sense of the word, not the Italian)-- although I’m sure a few readers will ask ‘why don’t you stay there, too?’.

CONFIRM BUTTON – Agreed – Credit Card – the Works.
373 euro ttl. to Newark, and I can taste that Thanksgiving Turkey & sweet potatoes already!
Don’t hit the back button or anything else or you’ll be charged…
Penalties in case of changes from this point forward.
You get my drift.

9am next day / We get an email stating that the carrier (and not LastMinute.com) has changed the price of the ticket by 50 euro. Naturally, it did not specify whether that price was going down (doubtful) or up (most likely). I smelled a skunk.
When you hit AGREE WITH TERMS, isn’t that a sales contract?
When they advertise a price and the deal is done, doesn’t that make it FINAL?
And, at this point, an astute friend pointed out that if I continue along this path, I was headed straight for another straniera di merda kind of response.

Nonetheless, pursue I did.
Noon/While on hold for Customer Service, I was offered an online survey by LastMinute.com to rate my most recent transaction. Aren’t they going to be sorry they asked. I gave them my online survey version of the riot act, commenting further that: “This is Highway Robbery, fraudulent at best, and these kind of wild price increases post-purchase is tantamount to criminal conduct.”

The very pleasant woman on the phone said, in short, “Suck it up”, or rather, she did what Italians do best, denied all responsibility: “First, it’s a price increase but it has nothing to do with us, and, it wasn’t a binding agreement since we’ve yet to charge your card…So, do you or do you not approve the expense?” In other words, Suck it up.
I decided not to press my case with her, and withheld a response until I went online to see if I could beat the now increased price elsewhere.

4pm / I couldn’t beat even the price rise, so back I went, armed with the pen (or keypad), mightier than the sword. I emailed the Customer Service rep who originally sent me the mail, telling her to go ahead and charge me, but, I still found this practice totally unfair, and, while I understood it was not due to LastMinute.com, for me, after two whole years of not traveling home, waking up to a 50 euro side swipe was just an unpleasant way to start my day.
For good measure I cc:d a couple of Consumer Associations who deal in travel ripoffs, adding that I’d pursue a full reimbursement when I had more time.

I actually got a response! And, a nice one, at that!! She wrote back saying she fully understood my dilemma, and, after talking with her supervisor, LastMinute.com would charge me only 20 euro and they would pay the rest.
I thanked her profusely for her time and effort, as while I still was upset over the 50 euro surcharge, I was immensely grateful. And, did I mention, I am a nasty little blogger about disservices in Italy?

Next morning, another mail:

Lastminute.com will be paying for the entire 50 euro surcharge that the carrier threw on them.
In my book, the Customer Service People at Lastminute.com (Italia) are close to reaching goddess status.

Now, I don’t know, exactly, which of the above maneuvers got them to practice 'The Customer is Always Right' adage. Regardless, what would have been my last transaction ever with LastMinute.com, may not have us parting ways so bitterly. I recommend trying all of the above. But, I still wonder, do airlines have the right to just up fees like that? A gas surcharge? What? I know in Europe, travelers are much more protected by these drive-bys that the U.S. carriers get away with. Nonetheless, in a global recession, you’d think they wouldn’t try to pull a fast one – at the last minute.

Monte dei Pacchi*

Italians love to assert that they’re a nostalgic people. In fact, with their cobble stones and family dinners, being tied to the past is one of the qualities that, from an ever-changing-all-the-time American perspective, can truly be heartwarming. Except when that nostalgia extends to your local bank.

Monte dei Paschi di Siena was the first bank to open its doors to the public way back when in 1472 (in fact, it’s thought to be the oldest bank in the world). Back in those days, you could send a check to France – horseback – and your funds would arrive and most likely could be cashed by the Prince next door (if you happened to have one). Banking with them today, you still need a Prince next door to expedite your transactions. MPS, when faced with growing competition and modern technology seem so wholly perplexed, they fall back on their Medieval ways; in a way to sort of stump the competition (their motto: one step behind our customers!).

Let’s start with the global picture: Banks are getting together faster than Berlusconi and his call girls and yet, you still can’t deposit money in Milan and find it in your account in Rome. Try cashing a check, and you need the Pope’s blessing on a Leap Year. My recent check from a Roman bank took 9 days to clear, 13 for me to actually use the funds.

In Piazza dei Navigatori, they spent 6 months refurbishing the spanking new branch. With great expectations, its doors opened up right to a vision -- of 1982. The three counters turned into 2, one on most days. Countertops were removed so we no longer can fill out our forms – but that’s not a problem, there are no forms. You have to wait your turn, just like at the Post Office to fill them out; adding about 4 minutes per transaction. While you wait, you discover that the 14 seats are now halved. At the ‘long transaction window’ they simply did away with them, so you stand there while perusing your dozens of mortgage forms.

With so many people milling about, they no longer allow you in the door. If there’s a line, you wait outside – rain or shine. They won’t allow you in to grab a number so you can go run a few more errands in the meantime – because there are no more ticket machines. Now you have to vie for your place in front of the little old ladies who creep up in front of you, just like at the panetteria. While the men pretend you just don't exist, except the old lechers who try and stand belly to belly with you.

They’ve managed to fill out the employees with pretty young things. They toss in the male ‘elder’ (one I’ve known for over 25 years) to provide an actual understanding of the business. He is interrupted about every 40 seconds to go help out the fanciulle who stare up doe-eyed. I think it's actually good for business. Going up to the counter, and you get the impression that you just walked onto a variety show, veline and all.

I had to make a simple deposit. My clerk actually got up, made photocopies of the deposit forms, pulled out the scissors, and ecco fatto! If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. Asking for a credit card, the hostess – errr – bank clerk disappeared. For so long, I thought she quit over the pressure. Much later, she hemmed and hawed before telling me to “come back in a few days and maybe they’ll have the forms in.”

Trying your luck with the Bancomat outside is like trying to win the lottery. It’s operational about 1 day a week. When it works, you find they’ve added about 4 new steps to making your transaction, such as donating to Aquila’s rebuilding or long distance adoption, before you can even insert your code.

All this great customer service combined with the infinitesimal interest rates and extortionate taxes and misc. 'charges' (that are the highest in Europe), and the mattress is looking like a pretty terrific option. Now how’s that for nostalgic?


*Monte dei Pacchi = Mountain of Ripoffs / un pacco actually means a package, but when used in as “Mi hanno tirato un pacco” it means, 'They've totally ripped me off."

Rome Airport: Disconnected

Just for the sake of curiosity, I thought I'd actually make a little Case History of my efforts in attempting to get the emergency phones at Fiumicino/Leonardo Da Vinci airport actually operational. So far, it has all of the elements worthy of a class in cross-cultural communications. To recap:

Returning from London, a friend & I got 'trapped' between two sets of automatic doors just off the exit ramp. Naturally, the emergency phone did not ring to the control center (well, it was Sunday eve after all).
Only after finding later one of the doors open to the upstairs boarding lounge, were we accosted by airport gate security and forced to redescend the steps. In a moment of bravado, he said he'd call the police if we tried to leave through the lounge...I said, Ben Venga! (bring 'em on!). We wanted to report the incident.
After finally being released through the proper doors, we later wandered from police station to police station in search of someone who might have an interest in knowing that the emergency phone didn't work; all to no avail.

I next set out to contact the illustrious Aereoporti di Roma SpA, to let them know about the incident.

After navigating for longer than my flight London - Rome (finding WWF info, archeological sites in Rome, and train updates along the way), I discovered that Aereoporti di Roma actually owns and operates their very own Telecoms company. Following the logic: phones don't work, call the Company responsible for operating them, I finally reached their Technical Offices who handle "complaints, problems, communications et.al. regarding telephone operations at the airport". I had hit the jackpot.
They picked up the phone right away, and I managed to talk to an informed person. Except that he said he only handled website problems. He had no idea to whom I should speak.
I then tried the operator at the Company. She had no idea who I should speak with, but she tried the emergency number and confirmed that it was, indeed "bloccato". I mentioned I was a writer & blogger and would be reporting the incident to other organizations. She said she'd look into it and I would receive a call back.

In the meantime, I sent letters to Rome's newspaper complaint line, a few Traveler Protection associations and the guys at Striscia la Notizia who uncover these sort of things.
A day later, remarkably, I received a phone call from the Aereoporti di Roma!  But, it was their Press Office, not their Security detail. The call went something like this:

- Pronto.

- I'm calling from AdR, are you a journalist? Who do you write for? What's your name? Give me the list of publications. Before we continue. I don't know what the problem is, but before we go further I need this information.

I fired off a few places where my blog and other articles appear, as if he would know them (Blogher, Life in Italy, WE Magazine...), explaining in vain, that this was of no consequence as I had contacted them as a standard citizen. I simply wanted to bring their attention to the problem [which, I might add, he was still unaware of and unwilling to listen to it's origin]. After barely managing to squeeze in the details (he talked over me the entire time...), I was told in swift succession (I think they learn this at school):

1. It was not true what had happened.
2. There are no phones in those areas.
3. Those phones are not for public use.
4. I dialed the wrong number.
5. The AdR has nothing to do with them.
6. He needed to know exactly where I had been otherwise there was nothing they could do, etc. etc. etc.

In Italy, the Customer Service playbook often reads something like this:

- The best defense is a good offense
- Always deny responsibility
- Find a window of opportunity to fault the other party
- Double down on denying all responsibility
- Change topics
- Ignore original complaint

I managed to state (on deaf ears) that:
1. I was not a pathological liar.
2. The phones do exist.
3. They are for public use.
4. I merely dialed the number indicated on the panel next to it (posted in 2 langs)
5. I found it curious that the Airport Telecoms Company is not responsible for airport telephone lines.

Adding that they perhaps consider either:
a. Taking down the signs posting emergency numbers around the airport or
b. Reactivating the tel line

I also mentioned that I found it ludicrous that the Press Office would be interested in solving what was an obviously Technical problem. Not that I wanted to tell him how to do his job, but...
Regardless, as a writer, I was interested in knowing the outcome of their findings, as I had posted notes to all of the above media outlets.

To this last point I was once again reprimanded for taking that sort of action...That I should have waited for this phone call (from someone clearly out of his league) before going elsewhere, etc. etc. Once again, I was asked the title of my blog, other media outlets where I pen articles, and so on.

Nonetheless, we both thanked one another for our kind interest in public safety, and I would be informed of the outcome.
I, for one, am interested in knowing what the next exciting episode might bring.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From the Aeroporti di Roma website concerning Traveler's Rights:
Il sistema aeroportuale romano ha favorito, negli anni, la crescita dell' economia del territorio con un intenso flusso di scambi commerciali.Il piano di sviluppo e gli investimenti hanno trasformato i due scali a ulteriore testimonianza dell'impegno per il miglioramento della qualità dei servizi.

Rome's airport system has been a driver in the economic development of the surrounding area, and investments have been made which have consequently transformed the two hubs as further proof to our commitment to improving the quality of our services.

Francesca Maggi's...Strange But True!

The Italian press got a big kick out of the fact that Cardinal Bertone, during a sermon at San Giovanni in Laterano, the third most important Basilica in Rome, quoted Woody Allen’s famous line, “God is dead, Marx is dead, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”
Frankly, I applaud any attempt by the clergy to appeal to their flock, and with humour no less; in a country where Latin Mass will soon assure that even more people are detached from the church.
But even I gotta admit that perhaps Cardinal Bertone should maybe have chosen a different person to quote from…I mean, with the pedophile scandal in America costing millions per year (in Italy, it generally goes unreported both by victims and the press), quoting an incestuous pedophile is, well…perhaps not so PC.
But, what to expect from the Vatican who took Cardinal Bernard Law, after being disgraced in Boston for covering pedophiles for decades, and ‘demoted’ him to run Rome’s second most important church, Santa Maria Maggiore?


According to the most excellent monthly news magazine, The Roman Forum, a public works councillor has estimated that it costs €4.3 M ($6.4M) per year to maintain Rome’s Nasoni water fountains. I imagine that cost, however, does not include the amount of money literally going down the drain in water itself. And with water prices up 27.7% since 2002, well…
But, the fact that someone is even starting to talk about the Nasoni is good news (although the EU has been talking about them since the ‘90s, fining Italy millions for this waste year after year).
Just think: if they just added off/on nozzles, we’d probably save enough between water, maintenance & fines to give IBM a new €58M website contract! (see previous blog entry about that scandal).


And finally, in a rare moment of Awesome Customer Service, the (German) Bosch Company, known for its high quality, replaced my car battery with just one email exchange to the powers that be, and with incredible professionalism on the part of the Customer Parts people throughout my little ordeal.
[Basically, the retailer where I had originally purchased the faulty battery told me in no uncertain terms: 
a) the warranty was only 6 mths (it was 2 yrs)
b) the faulty battery was actually the fault of my car (yeah, right) and 
c) they would send it in to Bosch and wait for an answer (over the 3 wk holiday closures) – and I’d have to simply sit tight and go without wheels during that time, as a sort of ‘punishment’ for causing them this distress. As it turns out, they sold me the wrong battery in the first place (but is that a surprise?).
The Bosch people even amazed themselves over their own response, stating well, “We’re not a very Customer Service – Driven country and we were glad to prove otherwise." (Had my true identity been revealed to them in a Clark Kent sort of way???).
They have earned a customer for life and I’ll even be taking my Honda there for servicing…(they even took the time to give me a personal introduction...something worth its weight in gold in Italy).
Now, if the rest of the country would just catch on…

Internot

Okay. I’ve already established that the Italians are signage-challenged, but really the root of the problem is much deeper than that. It’s an organizationally-challenged populace, coupled with nonexistent customer service, leading to a lack of understanding of how those very services should flow...You can see what kinds of trouble we’ll be having in Tiber Town as Italy, like the rest of the ‘developed’ nations, moves into the Service Sector.

And so it is with the Internet. How many times has your click-through ratio moved into stratospheric heights, only to start finalizing your purchase …and be timed out unexpectedly by the system. Or, it doesn’t accept something you’ve (naturally) done but doesn’t allow you to hit ‘back’, so you're forced to start all over again. Or, it doesn’t accept credit card payments from foreigners (in a country banking on tourism), or, just simply crashes in the key moment. I have created so many identities attempting to purchase train tickets, that I’m sure by now I've been fingered by Interpol for suspected terrorist activities.

My Home Banking is so clever, that each time I want to conduct a transaction, I actually have to first go back to the bank, collect a new password, certificate, authorization and code, and by now propose my 9th-born son, that even taking care of it at the insidious post office is a better option. The bankers informed me of late that they received accolades for their terrific security system; I offered that they could just make it completely inoperable and it’d be totally failsafe.

And so it was, when I decided to order domain names for my business. Sitting in Italy, I chose a .com address, went to the U.S. site, and for $9.95 and a pay now! thru paypal, I was as good as gold: total transaction time, including searching for some cool names, about 9 minutes.

Same name, this time .it. About 10 mins and $49.35 later (and a few under-the-breath remarks on what one capitalist feels about monopoly power), no problem. But, I must wait 24 hrs. for confirmation in my inbox. Next day, I discover a mail stating that, unless I was an EU citizen, I could not take out a name. So much for free markets. They obviously missed the irony in that they’re offering Asian addresses to us non-Asians… or, is that just a smart marketing campaign targeted to the large Filipino community here?

Fortunately for me, I have dual citizenship. So, while wondering if people must marry Italians in order to get a domain name, I decide to simply change my initial purchase details.
After attempting to log on – third time was a charm – I get to the Home Page.

Cannot discern how to change my coordinates. I discover the letters in cute boxes: D E H M
Having perused the page, I divine that they mean, Domain – Email – Hosting – Mamma Mia!!

I try Domain – I take a wild guess at Information. I bump into my coordinates. It refuses to accept my telephone number written in the format of Italian tel numbers. First recomposing my tel number on a piece of paper, I’m in! I finally change everything, except my NATIONALITY, the thing they didn't approve of in the first place. At which point all of the changes previously made are lost. Again, back to GO with no $200. I see a message: ‘You must request assistance via email for these items”. I request assistance.

Next day, they have courteously changed the NATION for me. I’m quite certain there’s a valid reason for this block. Probably to challenge Americans who don’t know what a nation is.

Next day, properly inserted into the system, I discover that I still don’t have a domain registered. I reread the email, and find that I must now print out a Letter of Assumption of Responsibility (LAR), and fax it into some institution with my signature and soc sec’y number. I’m starting to feel like road kill on the information super-highway. They cheerily claim, “If you haven’t done so yet!” as if you knew you were supposed to do that in the first place. It just takes a button. They say we can find the LAR at the bottom of the ‘Documents’ section of the site.

Nowhere on the entire page is a section entitled Documents (not even under D) -- but, in my search, I did discover that I could have a t-shirt made with my domain written across it!

Logged on, but no place to go. That’s because, on the Register.it site, there is no site map, nor a search mechanism. And these guys actually offer to build you a website?! Finally, thinking like an Italian, I click on my domain name which appears totally inactive. Eureka! And, not on the bottom of the newest page, I see Documents. Here, I find Please Note (without the please): ‘we will not accept electronic signatures nor print-outs modified in any way’ (that’ll be blocked by another dept, I’m sure). I click the link to the LAR.

Blank page.
Try a second time. Blank page.
I start over from scratch, skipping the Ride on the Reading.

The home page reloads with a blank blue box. For some reason (obviously those Italian genes kicking in again), I scroll over the empty box. Like magic, links start to appear. I am on my way, back to Documents and over to Printer. So satisfied, I go play the lottery.
My number? The time of day plus the number of hours the entire transaction has taken (not including the fax time), spilling into 83 hours (and counting).

You Can't Make this Stuff Up

I offer you, dear readers, a sample Customer Service and Internet Account letter which I received when attempting to simply subscribe to a newsletter put out by the City of Rome (all punctuation precisely as received.. ? signifies letters with accents which they did not account for in the mail:

Dear user,
We remind you that on 14/06/2007, with your online request (protocol no. n? 20070614/113223/3223), ? the procedure of identification of the Portal was initiated, that can? be completed only by your sending in a relative contract for subscription.
We remind you, in addition, that you have until 11/12/2007 (180 days from your original request) in order to send in the contract.
In case of necessity.? it is possible to print out again the subscription contract for the service of identification by accessing the Portal with your proper credentials? which you already possess (Identification = your electronic mail address, Password = your password), selecting the section “User Identification” and, then, the marker “Identification” – “Visualize Contract” and then “Print” function.

The contract will need to be? signed and sent, accompanied by a photocopy, also signed, of your identity? card, a valid one, to the fax 0654573703.
You can send the signed contract and photocopy, signed, of your document also by standard post to the P.O.Box:
ChiamaRoma060606
Viale Europa 175
00144 Roma.

Once your identification will be? completed, you will receive a mail at your inbox containing the new active credentials (identification and password), in order that you may access the services of the online Portal of the City of Rome.
Additionally you will? receive by regular mail a letter containing the second half of your PIN number.
We remind you that the first part of the PIN will? be sent to you via mail at the moment of your request for identification, and that the entire PIN code, containing both the first and second parts will be? requested by the Portal whenever you desire to access any online services in which you must modify your personal information.
If you have difficulty? or you would like other clarifications of the identification procedure we invite you to contact our Call Center “ChiamaRoma” at the number, 060606, or write an e-mail to the address 060606Portale@comune.roma.it.

Department for the Simplification and
Communication of the City of Rome