Italy Road Trip - Travel Warnings

Italians have consistently thought up *everything* from oh, I don't know, the discovery of the New World, to the fax, the telephone, right up to the Google search engine, but then lost it when some clever marketeer took it up a level, declared native Americans, Indians, and just went with it. Ask Galileo. Heck even the popes were in France for a time.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...Italy is seriously marketing challenged. After all, these are the folks who gave us Malpensa (ill thought) Airport and Soffass toilet paper, the likes of which always puts a smile on my face. So lately, traveling a whole lot up and down the gorgeous Italian highways criss-crossing the boot like lovely laces (which, I might add, would put any roads to shame the world over), I can't help but be perplexed by the road signs on every digital board brought to you by the Road Guys responsible for our smooth rides.

This one reads Drive Safely. But sometimes they invite you to go online (whilst commandeering your vehicle at 90mph?) to check out road conditions - which would be seriously messesd up if you took them at their word, started searching the web, and ended up rear-ending the truck ahead of you. Inevitably, you are gifted with a Fasten Your Seatbelts sign when in fact, 5km up the road there's an accident and you just blew by the only exit that would have mercifully allowed you to avoid it. But I digress.
During my umpteen years of driving around the peninsula, nearly every time I see the ANAS logo up above, I get a mini panic attack. That logo (again, at 130 km/hr) looks to me like a car on fire every time I whiz by it. In fact, it tells me there's an entire line of cars on fire in a mass brush fire, just as I plunge headlong into the upcoming tunnel.
Coming face to face with this dot matrix logo is always a good way to get the adrenaline going on long drives. But, taking a closer look (when you're home and online...not calling it up on Siri while careening a curve) and the logo isn't so bad after all.

I'm guessing that it represents Mercury's helmet speeding down the highway, but not so fast -- that block above is basically our Mercurio stumbling to a complete stop in order to pay the extortionate tolls. Or, it symbolizes the long rest he'll take at the rest stop after miscalculating on gas and a glass of water at 1pm, feeding time for the entire country. My personal favorite is that it's Mercury looking for toilet paper. 
I play this guessing game in my head just like back in the days before devices were a common feature on car trips...You had to spot the first cow / farmhouse / diner there from the back seat. 
For everyone who will be sitting in traffic on their return from the August exodus, well, count this as a marketing freebie. So, thank you ANAS for the graphics. But I'm just wondering how I'll ever come to know when a car is up in flames just around the bend.

Driving in Italy? Detour Ahead.

I dedicate an entire chapter in my book to the (non) Rules of the Road of Driving in Italy.  Lots of people are afraid to drive around Italy, but I am not one of them, unless of course, I am near a woman careening around a corner in an SUV while she's texting and smoking a cigarette.  But, for the most part, if you like cat & mouse chases, it can actually be fun.  Just don't get caught in the city centers with a car, even if you're simply trying to find your hotel.  Each time you go in & out, you'll be hit with a hefty fine.
But lately, it's been widely reported that around Rome (and I imagine other cities as well), there's a new ploy around to separate you from your money.  And it involves your car.  It also tends to strike at women driving by themselves, a category in which I find myself - often.  But since I got literally hit up twice in the last month, I thought I'd share the experiences with you:  Forewarned is always forearmed.
Essentially, people are coming out of the woodwork and hitting the side mirror of your car.  This can be a person, usually someone on a scooter, and like the other night, in another car - but that's a bit more outrageous.  You hear a rather loud 'thud' and are shocked, because you swear (and you are most likely very correct) that no one was even near you a moment before.  They tend to go after women who are meandering, looking for a parking spot, so not fully paying attention to their surroundings.  But the other day I was driving - fully in my lane - when it happened.  Once they have you totally on a guilt trip, they hit you up with a "Just give me 100 euro and we'll leave it at that."  Sure beats begging 100 people for a euro coin each.
They stop and signal to you to pull over.  I do not - ever - open my windows to engage in conversations.  This, is a precautionary measure I learned from living in the USA - where people come up to you and try to chloroform you to get your car, or worse.  And after seeing The Vanishing, well, call me 'better safe than six feet under'---alive.  And besides, if they can shout through the 3 foot thick windows at the post office to complete a transaction, their voices can certainly carry thru the window of my car.

The new pocket pickers - who just stand there patiently waiting
while you give them lots of your money - voluntarily.

In scenario no. 1 - the guy, appearing straight out of nowhere (between garbage containers) shows me his smashed watch.  Looking like someone who would chloroform me in a heartbeat if he could manage to get out of bed that day, he says repeatedly, "You broke my watch." Because of his sort of drugged state and insistent behaviour, I pull out my iPhone - a modern version of a Swiss Army Knife in times of need.  I don't call the police.  I start taking pictures.  I told him I was onto his ploy, and I'm happy to call the police to settle the matter now that I have photos.  Suddenly, his watch wasn't so important.  Here he is above, with the smashed item in question.  His mug suddenly out of my camera view.  Damn that iPhone for being so slow to load.
In scenario no. 2 - I was perfectly in my lane, on a wide boulevard at that.  The thud told me our side view mirrors just made contact.  Nonetheless...I followed him as he pulled over, because I didn't want to illicit road rage.  He comes over.  I tell him I can't roll down my window (which btw is the god-honest truth, it's momentarily missing its motor, causing me endless grief on toll roads..but no matter, I wasn't going to do it anyway - see The Vanishing reference above).  He tried shouting to me that I broke his side mirror...sees my absolute look of confusion -- I told him I was rigorously in my lane, and if he hit my mirror, it's his problem.  Then, pointing to my side mirror, he motions for me to come look - "You see, your mirror was hit."  
Yeah, right, I'm really going to leave my car and 'come and have a look' - I couldn't join him on the dark road even if I had wanted to, because I was too busy replaying scenes from The Hitcher.  Besides, my car is 15 years old.  If the side mirror was hit, it probably made an improvement.  Seeing he was getting nowhere fast, and just before I unsheathed my trusty iPhone camera, he gave up.  "Never mind, bella mia..."  and he walked away.  I opened my passenger window and called after him...to watch where he's going in the future.
I would suggest you readers do the same.

Driving away, I recalled when my purse was stolen - right out from under my car seat - while driving in traffic in Naples.  They smashed the window and in my surprise (I thought an explosion had gone off next to me), I was stunned to see my bag floating right out of it and onto the back of a scooter.  Either way, I counted my blessings that none of these incidents transpired in carjack happy USA - I'd have been separated from a lot more than just my wallet...

Tante Belle Cose: Italy Travel Edition

June always means kicking off the summer and with the heat wave that came along with it, we knew it was time to be kicking off our heels and soaking our feet (and paws) in the fountains.  This month, I spent a week immersed in what Italy does best: the indescribable scenery, the gastronomic specialties, the special events, the overwhelming hospitality, and of course, the people (and dogs, like Giotto at the cafè inside Florence's Palazzo Strozzi).  Extra bonus was watching Italy arrive in the finals of European cup.
I'll be posting our day-by-day visiting Italy on my Burnt facebook page.

In June, after navigating the treacherous waters of Roman bureaucracy, because bringing jobs, great food, and new life to a degraded part of the city, wasn't in their mandate, the City of Rome finally realized they were getting an awful lot of bad press and allowed Eataly to open in Rome.  Eataly will also be the caterer on Italo trains, so, for a lot of us, not to mention owner Oscar Farinetti, life is buono. 
Located right near Rome's Ostiense Train Station, so, you could always skip the non-stop train to Rome's Termini Station, and hop a ride on this one and enjoy a welcome drink in their food hall. Click here for an article on the deliziosi treats on offer.

In Genova, I discovered a pretty nice deal of Bus Tour - Lunch - and a temporary exhibition at the Palazzo Ducale.  It might night be Eataly, but in Genova it's hard to go wrong on the food front.

In Florence, Palazzo Strozzi was hosting an outstanding exhibition of Sargent and the Americans in Florence, but the works of some of the Italian artists who painted in that same genre, most remarkably Segantini were a real treasure to behold.  While in Milano, air-conditioned trams and subways ruled the roads, providing all of us with great relief and a breath of freshly recycled air.

On the way back to Rome, I discovered they finally took down the joke of a speed limit from the Highway Toll Booth and into the ring road (GRA) circling the city.  Without any exits, and now an enlarged three lanes, the limit was 110.  It's now up to the standard limit on highways which you usually need to divine by communing with the spirits of 130.
I lost a bet over the speed limit on the GRA.  With often only two lanes, traffic merging, right, left & center, exits, shopping malls and truckers, the speed limit is, like a highway 130.  I bet a great sushi dinner it was 110.  Since it's not posted anywhere, and there was not one official website mentioning the slight detail, how could I have been so foolish as to apply any logic to the speed limit system in Italy?  All other ring roads in the country are 110.  It's no wonder that the GRA is listed as one of the most dangerous roads in Europe.

Francesca Maggi's Strange But True! Life in Italy

In Italy (as elsewhere around the world), the newscasters and comedians get a big kick out of bringing us the ripoff of the day; whereby they run a candid camera on a fake dentist, or a soothsayer who tells an unsuspecting client they will come down with a terrible malady, or worse.  I sometimes get a big kick out of these stories, and am especially tickled pink by the craftier crimes of our times.  In my book, I point out a few of the genius crimes committed around the Bel Paese.
This story isn't so recent, but I loved it so much I saved it for a rainy day (and today, as all week in Rome, we're going to be met with those April Showers).  Basically, four nefarious masterminds founded their own University, right in the fair town of Verona.  Identified by Unimeur.it, the halls of learning sported a likewise lofty name:  Carolus Magnus (Charlemagne).  They even went so far as to publish names of professors and course syllabus'.  For only 7000 euro you could sign up to study management & finance, the arts and theater management as well.  
Perhaps the would-be sophomores could take a course in basic library science instead, to hone in their fact-finding skills like looking for a book under the Dewey Decimal System.
Then we have another genius, this time, a street vendor who sells his fruits & vegetables in the no-traffic zone of Rome.  The cameras caught him entering the 'no entry' zone without a pass over 8000 times, racking up €140.000 in tickets in the process.  Of course, reading the article shed no light on the guy, who was driving someone else's truck, which one source claimed was stolen, another in cahoots, who knows.  My suggestion?  A simple course in civics.  As someone who needs to enter the zone for work, he could even get a ZTL pass nowadays online.

Speaking of passes, I was amused to discover only recently that when taking your driver's education exam in Italy, you are not allowed to use your own car for the deed.  I'm actually not sure why this is the case; you need to prove you can handle any type of car and not the one you might be driving the most?  Or perhaps you & the car cut a deal and the car might drive better for you?  

And finally, back to our great institutions of learning, I discovered that...School kids get sent home periodically from school.  To parents out there, this should come as no surprise due to myriad strikes, assemblies, field trips, and a host of other important reasons.  But the last one I heard was the best: The school needed to exterminate the school.  On a Monday.   I thought that stuff was toxic at best, so...Wouldn't it make more sense to do so on a Friday eve or Saturday when no one will be in the place for two whole days after?  Oh - and of course, there is that no one would miss out on school days in the process.  

Italians have a great word for utter confusion:  Boh?!  

Traveling to Italy? Men at Work.

Whoever said that the Italians don't work in August?  As humor columnist Dave Barry once quipped while writing from his Italian vacation, "Summer in Italy means even the statues are on vacation".   He was referring to the tendency however, come July, of the masking every building and statue worth seeing in tarps and scaffolding.  The problem is, at some point in August everyone goes on vacation, leaving tourists to ponder what incredible building to behold must be hiding underneath it all.  But this year, while you can only partially see one of my favorite sculptures in all of Italy - Bernini's elephant in Piazza Minerva right near the Pantheon - It's the entire country which seems to be under construction.  But just for the record, I for one am delighted about much of the road works in Rome.


In Rome, they've started their own sort of Big Dig:  Digging up the entire Piazza di San Silvestro (near Trevi Fountain & Spanish Steps) to turn it into a lovely park which will host events (and with the recent redesign to reduce the number of benches, hopefully host fewer homeless).


Try to catch a bus to go to Piazza Navona?  Think twice.  Via del Risorgimento (the street housing the Italian Senate) is totally closed to traffic while they dig up the entire street).


In Torino (Turin), the one place that gets mostly business travelers, but, with its awesome cultural offering could, indeed attract summer visitors, we found the entire airport closed for renovation.  


And, speaking of airports, a recent visit there brought a huge new improvement, the likes of which have never been seen:  All of Rome's airport entranceways were littered with policemen, ushering traffic through, so no more airport pickups & dropoffs (with their accompanying quadruple-parked cars) were allowed.  Instead, they've instituted a fabulous 30 min free parking system in the parking structures.  Pure Bliss.


Same thing was found (at long long last) at Rome's Stazione Termini train station.  No more quadruple-parked cars blocking all traffic in and around the station.  Let's hope this is not just a summer breezeway...


Keying into the RyanAir website (I know, I know, I later got ahold of myself and put my masochistic tendencies aside), I discovered that they cite a number of Italian cities no longer being served.  So, you might want to check your ticket to see what happens next.


And, anyone driving around Italy, should always keep in mind that in most every town, you cannot go into the historical city centre until after 6pm - even if you're staying in a hotel there and need to somehow have your luggage with you when you arrive.  Just don't do it.  It's a hefty form of 'tourist tax'  which will really dent your wallet upon your return home.

Driving in Italy? How many points for a pedestrian?

One of my pet theories - that Naples has some of the best drivers & Milano the worst - has proved true.  Well, almost.  Anyone who has ever rented a car and driven through Naples will tell you, it's an absolute chaotic mess - something not dissimilar to little amoebas in a petri dish knocking around.  But look more closely: those cars that swing at you from every direction, making you appear like a character from the Wacky Races (you know, where the car suddenly sprouts huge springs to boost you above the cars so you can pass them all without incident), rarely ever actually hit each other. [with the exception of them hitting you, so you pull over, and while you're busy discussing, their buddy is depriving you of all your luggage & your purse].

Take a trip to Milan, and fender benders are par for the course.  Personally, I think it's because the roads are so chaotic in Naples, no one has time to ungrip the wheel in order to send text messages; while in stand-still Milano, people don't insomuch drive while talking on the phone, they talk on the phone while they happen to be absent-mindedly driving.

But don't take my word for it: just ask the pedestrians.

The stats were just released on the number of deaths by drivers - and, as the Amici della Polizia Stradale (they have friends?) reported, 'It's a combat zone out there.'  In 2009, there were 4725 victims out there, up 2 points from 2008.  And, just to give you some bare numbers, this translates into 7.859 deaths since 2000 and 205.432 injured - one third of them while walking across those white crosswalks (or hopelessly faded ones, I'm sure).
So, where should you 'cross with (grande) care?'  Distressing at least to this Roman, Lazio takes the lead (106 victims), 2/3 of the victims in Rome alone, followed by Milan's Lombardy region (99) and Emilia Romagna at 67 (very few of those coming from the city of Bologna itself-so go figure).
And, where is it wise to walk?  Of course, Valle d'Aosta - as close to Switzerland as one can get (2 victims, but few inhabitants too), Molise (3) (if you knew where the heck it even was on a map), and Verona & Bari - really?! (if you've ever driven around Bari you'd understand my surprise) at zero - But here, our Amici make an exception: provided the victims were actually fully accounted for.  Palermo & Naples a respectful 13 & 14 casualties.

Oh-And my theory?  Neapolitans know how to avoid all & sundry while they maniacally dart in & out of traffic -- riding on sidewalks if they have to, only to suddenly squeeze in before cutting down that family of four - also on the sidewalk and perched at 60 km/hour on a Vespa.  In Milan, Trevor got run over by a car frozen in traffic at a standstill.  I rest my case.
The Milanese take any other moving object as a target. Instead of playing squash, it's how they get their nervous energy out.  But, while Naples may be a paradise for pedestrians, take my advice: drive there at your own peril.

Real Time Update to this Post:
On Dec 9th, the State Court of Appeals (in Naples, no less) ruled that if you, the pedestrian, hesitates in your approach to the (clearly faded) white lines, seeing that as you're crossing, a car is shooting at you at 80km/hr, it's your fault if you're run over.
After all, these are the same guys who said if you're raped while wearing jeans, it's clearly consensual [ignoring the obvious that even a guy would take his jeans off if he had a knife to his throat].

FIAT-in the driver's seat

As a followup entry to 'Baby you can drive my car' below, I'd like to heap some praise on our fledgling Detroit automobile company...But first, the bad news:

FIAT (and incredibly, NOT Chicco, the baby seat/baby toy producer - go figure) conducted a study outside schools & nursery schools in which they observed parents & their darling offspring.  They confirmed what all the rest of us foreigners already know: 

Despite supposedly holding their single child more dear than even God himself (sometimes the two indistinguishable from one another), Italians are pretty careless with their heavenly little cherubs. 

Okay-I'm paraphrasing of course.  That's NOT what they studied.  They found that: over 60% of Italian children are put in cars with no safety belts or safety seats whatsoever.  Now, they know they're Italian because, let's face it, the immigrants usually don't have cars, or, their parents are too busy trying to make a living, than to cart children around town. Ride the bus and you'll know this is true.
What's even more remarkable, is parents' complete ignorance of the facts:

- Car accidents are the number 1 cause of death for children aged 5 to 12 (although I'm sure that's pretty universal)
- Each year, 10000 kids wind up in car accidents (that's 30 bambini per day)

And why they still don't cough up how many actually die, they say that safety seats would guarantee a 70% chance of surviving an accident (and no, that does not mean children strapped in the front seat with tiny heads in front of an airbag pronto to release at 160 km/hr).

What they need is a bit more of that American knack for creating a nation of people unable to do anything on their own:  Sue everyone you can when you're own stupidity caused the accident in the first place - heck- it's like winning the lottery - only easier!

As a result, a mamma told me that in the U.S., the hospital walks you & your baby out to the car.  They help you put the baby in the car seat and make sure it's strapped in properly.  No seat. No baby.

In Italy, they send you home with a mild warning: "Whatever you do, make sure the baby travels flat on its back for the first few months."  Now - you can imagine what that kind of propaganda does for the car seat people...

Why Chicco isn't all over this is still beyond me, but in the meantime, I only hope that FIAT quits wasting money on 'studies' and allots their car seat behavioral budget to me instead.

And those careless Americans?  Turns out they have their own little epidemic going...forgetting kids in cars altogether - It would seem Americans are wound so tight with kids strapped in so well, that the kiddies don't even peep while daddy runs to the office -- for 9 hours.
Thus was born the baby seat monitor (pictured above) and ZeroSeconds.

I guess that's one problem that Italians succeed in avoiding - hard to forget an 8 lb. baby when it's sitting right on your lap...

Driving in Italy - Street Signs & Other Driving Hazards

The other night, a friend - who has lived here longer than I have - debated what, exactly, the road sign posted actually meant.  She thought it was 'do not enter', I said it was 'no parking'. And I started wondering what do the millions of tourists think? So as one of my occasional Public Service Announcements, here is a quick guide to the country's quirkiest street signs:

This is one of my favorites, and one I recall seeing everywhere when visiting Italy at 6 yrs of age. Since there's no bar going thru it, to my mind (40 years on), I think this sign means, 'anything goes' or 'nothing prohibited.' And judging from the cars parked every which way, pedestrians & mopeds doing whatever it is they do best, well, I still believe that it's the case today.  Turns out it's a version of the 'do not enter' sign - but this one, missing the cross out bar, means that it's a one way street - not going your way.

 I had to look this one up again.  It's a sort of 'no standing'.  I say sort of, because what happens when you get a phone call and need to pull over?  Whatever it is, best not to park where this is posted (except, of course, if you're a mammoth tourist bus and then you can park - engine running - all you want).

Here, the City officials mean business.  

In fact, this sign is the European equivalent of this: 

When I first moved to Milano, this sign always struck me as such a nice way to put things.  For years, I thought it was a sign imploring the tram drivers to watch out for pedestrians, as we'd be crossing the tracks at any given point (or, if we were bike riders, we'd be caught in the tracks, falling to the point of seeing our life pass before our very eyes - always an interesting feeling to spice up your week).
It is actually a poetic way, in the land of Dante, to implore trams to 'Go Slow' or here, 'at a man's pace.'  Let's just hope by that they don't mean Schumaker or Valentino Rossi.

picture frm flikr

I have no clue if this sign means, 'No Trespassing', 'No Pedestrians allowed', or 'Attenzione! pedestrians crossing'.



But, hey, it could be worse.  You could find yourself trying to find a parking place in L.A. or NYC:

The cost of gas in Italy

While I'm transfixed by the sheer impotence & incompetence of man as the oil continues to gush into the gulf of Mexico, my thoughts turn to the out-of-pocket costs of running my car.  The oil companies look at any blip on the geo-political horizon to increase prices, combined with the drop in the Euro, well, we're looking at an expensive summer in arrivo.

In Italy, everyone is hyper-ventilating over the fact that while the price of crude went down by something like 35%, the prices at the pump only declined by 1.3%.  Coupled with the fact that 62.5% of that price is all taxes, I thought I'd see what was going on (to the best of my internet ability).  For the record, those taxes are fairly average with the rest of Europe.

Italians love to quip that in the cost of our gas we are paying for 1. the actual cost 2. sales tax (the IVA value added tax, which means 16.7% tax on every step of the way from Russia to Ukraine to Europe to the pump), and 3. the spurious 'accise' tax - which is a conglomerate of war chest funds starting with Mussolini's war in Abissinia (1935), the Suez Canal crisis (1956), the Vajont disaster (1966), the flooding of Florence (1966), various earthquakes, and missions in Lebanon (1983) & Bosnia (1996). It would appear missing Afghanistan and Aquila's earthquake, but they're probably in there today.

While it's not really true that we're still paying for Mussolini's Ethiopian wars (I should hope that by now, even with interest, that's over & donewith), the point is, the tax was added, and then, war over, not taken away.  Just like the Monte Bianco tunnel or the airlines' petrol charges -- funny how that happens - the cost of going thru that tunnel and you could have been sitting on a beach in Sardinia instead.
Thus the high cost of petroleum in Italy (I'm not sure which taxes other European countries are levying on their own petrol but I do know, it does zippo to limit car usage.

So, here's the breakdown, according to the Sole24 ore newspaper:

62,5% = 45,8% accisa (war funds) and 16,7% IVA (value added tax)
The leftover 37,5% is the so-called industrial tax (upon which everyone has also paid IVA)
made up of 26,5% crude, 1% transport charges, 4% margins for gas station and 6% margin for petrol companies.


And, as long as I'm dissing urban legends, Italians also love to quip that America's low prices are because we have oil (now lots & lots in the gulf), and they don't.  That's not entirely true.  Landlocked Germany doesn't have oil, Spain doesn't have oil, and yet the prices are lower than in Italy.  It's the taxes, stupid.

Bumper Cars

I will never forget the absolute thrill of being able to drive my own car around the tracks at Ohio’s Cedar Point.  I was probably only 9 or 10, and loved getting behind that wheel and tooling around the park! Heck, I was so thrilled I could drive without  a license, I ignored the fact that the car was on a sort of track and I could only accelerate so much.  That driving experience was enough for me that at 12, I took my dad’s little sports car to the local mall to pick up a bathing suit.  Never mind that it was 15 miles away.

Since amusement parks on the order of Cedar Point (the best thing Ohio has to offer) don’t exist in Italy, Italian parents like to offer their kids that same experience.  Thus the moda of the microcar.  Just because it looks like a car, acts like a car, and goes on roads like a car, parents pretend that it’s not a car.  Unlike my dad, who pretended I was actually driving a real car, in topsy-turvy Italy, parents pretend their kids are driving fake ones.  So it’s the ‘must-have’ item on any 16 year old’s wish list.

It took not one - but two - fatal accidents in the same weekend to finally shock the Romans out of their collective cognitive dissonance.  In true Italian style, of course, it’s not the fault of the person who doesn’t need a driver’s license to drive their toy car – no full-fledged patente, just a mini-patentino will do; it’s the mechanics’ fault for souping them up a bit so they’ll drive just like a real car.   

Instead of cracking down on the cars, the parents, the kids, they’ve decided to go after the mechanics.  

As for me, unless it’s your 13 year old on the tractor in the fields of Puglia, these kids should never be on four wheels - in Roman traffic - under any circumstances. 

Take them to Cedar Point instead.

the popular microcar - just for kids! in Rome.

Cedar Point's cars are larger.

The Spa Treatment

I have been entertaining my nephews for the week (and they, me -- I might add) and along the way they learn things about living in Italy that are essential, like:  "Do not expect cars to stop for you just because you're in the crosswalk, like in Switzerland or England," or, "No, it's really not a good idea to try jumping in the Tiber because most people drown...," to less essential things like, "Sulphur smells like rotten eggs and most hot thermal baths smell like that."
So, off we went to try our hand at the Thermal Baths - and this experience, of course, was so typical on many levels.  Of course, the scenery to get there was spectacular.  The lake, the mercatini...like driving through a postcard.

Naturally, we followed the signs "Terme - 28 km - this way".  At a major intersection of course, no more signs were posted.  So, we sort of followed our noses until arriving to a major thoroughfare and turnoffs in every direction.  So, I did what any red-blooded American would do -- pulled right into the middle of the area where lanes were not -- and got out of the car -- and stood there, looking to the horizon, much like the farmer who throws grass in the wind to see from which direction the storm is coming.

Not finding any further signs toward where we were headed, I surveyed the landscape to see if there were any other signposts for this major tourist attraction on which the local economy probably depends.  And there, posted on a sign pointing right back where we had started was, "Terme 24 km - back that way."
Starting to feel like Dorothy talking to the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I stopped to ask a policeman (after canvassing a variety of tourists and locals who said they'd never heard of the place...).  They said it was back the way we had come, but the sign we saw had probably been turned around by some malefactors...

Disappointed and demoralized, we headed instead for home.  Later, I went on to check the websites of various Terme around Rome - and, of course, the online directional information was not much better, but at the Terme di Roma I really got the Head to Toe treatment:

Like their penchant for dual-named airports, it's not really known as Terme di Roma (you're more apt to google Diocletian's ruins), but also Le Acque Albule - a tongue twister in any language (provoking the question, does Albule come from the Albume of eggs, explaining the smell of the baths???!).

Under a huge bold heading, Outdoor Pools, we learn they have four, two of which are totally child-friendly.  Following, in bold red letters, "We inform our clientele that the pools were closed on 30 September 2009.  One line below:  "We inform our clientele that the Beach Pool closed on 7 September 2009."
You wonder...is that for the season? forever? for a drought?
While you ponder these and other existential questions, you have time to review their 2009 price list and the opening hours of the pools 9:30 - 17.00.

I tried calling, but after listening to the various automated options four times, I gave up.  Although they were selling all kinds of treatments, mum was the word on the pool openings and closings.  It was Tuesday. I discovered on the website that no one was in to answer the phones.

But not all is lost. I'm sure the kids enjoyed another lesson in mass communications to boot.

Italia.(isn't).it

I loved this post from Jacques, a fan & fellow blogger.  I must admit, www.italia.it ,  the €40M fiasco had fallen off my radar, since it was plugged back in.  So, here's Jacques to apprise us of 'where your money went' - Part II:

Italia.IT the renowned (some would say infamous) Italian National Tourism portal, has done it once again.

Even after millions of euros thrown away by the right leaning government before launching it, and by the left leaning one that inherited it -- with almost as many problems and criticisms as euros spent; Even after the modifications to get it in line with the current accessibility laws and to placate the most severe criticisms; and Even after the soon thereafter blackout for another extended period of many many moons, they still haven't found 9 euros* to hire a decent proofreader for the home page in English.

In Italian, the bottom right corner has a menu of site services (Colophon), the first of which (and thus, presumably the most important) is "Collabora", which leads to a page for feedback and suggestions entitled, appropriately "Collabora" [see for yourself].

Now had Ken Kane, my HS freshman year English teacher, seen that glaring error, it would have been an immediate grade off. Were that a final paper, he probably would have refused to move past the front page and gone straight to "F", or made me retype the entire paper from scratch (we didn't have word processors, much less web sites or blogs, way back when).
Were that front page the result of millions and millions of euros of investment and years of effort, well, let's just say that it was a Christian institute, so it probably would have been worse than flogging but better than crucifixion.

* http://punto-informatico.it/2813203/PI/News/italiait-problemi-traduzione.aspx

*** for the spelling challenged, "partecipate" is the second person plural of the verb "partecipare" - IN THE ITALIAN LANGUAGE.
In English it does NOT exist. The correct word for exhorting people to collaborate with the editorial staff of the portal in English is "Participate".

P.S. note the fantastic attention to detail through beautiful 3-d effects on the drop shadows, but total lack of communication skills by ignoring things like proper English...

Also on the site, I found this jewel of a useful translation, in terms of clarity:

Italian:
Documenti necessari per guidare in Italia
Le patenti rilasciate da qualsiasi Stato appartenente all'Unione Europea sono valide all'interno di tutto il territorio UE, quindi anche in Italia.
Se si possiede una patente rilasciata da uno Stato non UE è necessario avere un permesso di guida internazionale o una traduzione giurata della propria patente.

In Italian, they state, anyone with a driver's license issued outside the EU needs an int'l driving permit.

English:
Documents required to drive in Italy
Driving licenses issued by any of the EU member states are valid throughout the European Union, including Italy.
Drivers in possession of a license issued by any EU country do not require an international driving permit or a sworn translation of their own license.

Is it just me, or does the English say something quite different (though not contradictory), and much less useful, for someone from outside the EU, who doesn't happen to speak fluent Italian (like a typical foreign tourist)?

How so typically Italian.

Attack of the Killer Pandas

There was a very smart article in what is arguably the best journal for all things Italian and most things Rome to be found in print or online. I'm talking about The Roman Forum, of course. The brainchild of Company, WalueEurope (don't ask -- well, I'll go ahead and just tell you...While 'W' in America means former President, George W. Bush, 'W' in Italy is often called 'V', pronounced 'Vu'), its Director is Chiara Di Pietro, with Editor-in-Chief, Brit, Anthony Smith. And kudos go out to Art Designer, Eugenio Catalano. This trifecta, giving us so much on things Roman, I wholly expect them to be wearing laurel wreaths when I happen to run into one or the other around town.

Anyway, in the September issue, you'll find the article about Driving in Italy, penned by Robert Shipley, clearly a man after my own heart (although I was saddened to learn upon reading it, he's married).
the notorious killer panda
He goes on to provide a perfect listing of things to watch out for if you're driving on Italian highways. Now, it's a 2 part article, so, I'm afraid to preempt his listing, but, I'd like to add a few more caveats:

- It is not my experience (and I used to drive over 5000km / month) that people pass on the right, except in city centers. But on those 3-lane highways, you will find absolutely no motorist worth his salt (and I stress his), in the far-right lane, dedicated to slow vehicles. Truckers and slow pokes will simply not take a blow to their masculinity and be caught ever in the slow lane, forcing all other cars going over 80km/hr to pass in the left lane, risking to be back-ended by the approaching car coming in at 160, before being able to make their way to the middle lane.

- As I mentioned in a previous post, those white pandas nowadays are as rare as the real things (and they're undeniably just as cute); They've been upgraded to SUVs, pulling all the same maneuvers, but now, seriously posing a life-threatening risk.

Of course, no rules apply to motorinos. Foreign visitors are left mouth-gaping the way they drive down the center lane, weave in and out, pass all over the place, and then jump the gun. I'm used to it, but utterly shocked the death rate for them is not infinitely greater.

As for Shipley's query about driving down the middle lane? That's easy to figure out. Staking out the middle means you can take your pick literally, down the road...

Driving in Italy: Not for the weak of heart

I recall while on family trips Up North Michigan, every so often, and usually near a fork or exit ramp, you would spot totally smashed cars lying there as if cast off from some end of the world flick like I Am Legend.
My dad would tell us (as he put a faux police light atop the car and pressed the pedal to the metal), that it was to deter people from speeding. Obviously America, a country founded on bloodshed, needs to shock and awe people into taking action. Talk about scared straight (although that could have come about from our own attempts at breaking the sound barrier).

In nostalgic Italy, in what is at first unsettling, but then totally awesome in its commemorative appeal, Italians mark those hard bends, merges and major intersections with spontaneous flower memorials – infinitely more heartfelt than grave markers (out of sight, out of mind). As you wind along the roads of Italy, in bustling city centers or along the countryside, you’ll find flowers wrapped on the side of the bruised tree, or around the odd bent pole. You think of the person whose spirit sailed away that day, and, if you’re wise, you slow down a bit.

And, although it doesn't seem to have quite the same effect on drivers, I find these memorials so eloquent in their simplicity -- they literally drive the point home far better than leaving auto carcasses strewn along the roadside.

Rest in Perpetual Traffic

Tante Belle Cose for Travelers to Italy

You may have noticed I’ve been playing hooky for awhile, but, hopefully all will be forgiven as I have been picking up great experiences (and not so great – see left column) for the blog…But first, the good news (which does not include finding snackpack-sized Oreos in every airport and bar these days. Although it was seriously about time. I think Marco Polo even with his 20 year stint in China brought noodles here sooner).

While driving to and fro, the big electronic sign boards on Italy's highways have posted a new message (Heaven forbid they actually tell us about tie-ups):
Make sure you fasten your child in a child seat with seatbelt.

We don’t know what drove the authorities to come to their senses (pun not intended), much less if it will have any effect, but we still remain pleased. If it can just get one mother to reconsider holding la bambina in her arms, well, it will not be all for naught.

Of course, there will always be exceptions:
A woman in America was arrested recently for holding her baby in her arms – WHILE DRIVING. AND BREAST-FEEDING. AND SCRIPTING A TEXT MESSAGE. Talk about multi-tasking…

Also while making the rounds, I discovered Bagels being touted at the Autogrill!!! (sorry, couldn't resist the pun). Personally, I don’t like the idea of all these American treats on every thoroughfare, but I secretly rejoiced while downing one of their fabulous blueberry muffins…
Click here to find the Bleeding Espresso blog on where else to get awesome American goodies.

While in Rome, those monster buses have been rerouted out of the center. This is just one element of Mayor Alemanno’s drive to make the city center a better place and his work does not go unnoticed.
Although I found on those same buses a huge ad campaign explaining the new (increased) parking rates for those driving around…
Considering that the majority of bus passengers are immigrants, school kids and the elderly, I thought the message was a bit misplaced. Might have made more sense just to post the rates around the parking areas…

While traipsing through Fiumicino Airport (aka Leonardo Da Vinci) on a Sunday night, we were surprised to find the shops open (even if the exit doors were not). We don’t know if this is due to the recession, but, it was nice to see things lit up – even on Sundays – and in Arrivals. I also noticed that the airport departures lounges have gone silent (for the most part).
Great news for all of us iPod people…now we’ll really be in peace, but you really gotta keep your eye out for last-minute gate changes. I’ve nearly missed flights coming and going as a result.

And, good news for the train traveler, one of whom I used to be…but why bother when you can fly to London for less?? They now (actually for some time now) have a superfast train Rome-Milano.
But lest you get visions of bullet trains dancing in your head…Italy boasts the only superfast trains that go slow. But, they cut out the middlemen (Florence – Bologna) and now you’re on your way. Now, if they can only apply the concept to business…

Tune in this week for the Bad News for travelers.

When the Chips are Down

One of the favorite shows for Italians in the late 70s-80s was Chips – you remember, the couple of hunks riding on their bikes doing Highway patrol. They were the male version of the infamous Veline, except they were fully clothed and were not given to gyrating senselessly on a tabletop. But, you get my drift.
I think in terms of policemen prototypes, these guys were not so tough and scary; kind of like the way the Italians like to think of their own cops. Collectively, there’s not a whole lot of respect here for the law enforcement guys, although I do think it’s improving. Following the bravery (provoking unseemly national pride) of the Carabinieri’s performance in Iraq, you don’t hear too many Carabinieri jokes these days. But still, when the guys running the red lights, talking on the cellphone while driving, or letting hotties get away with running their own lights (yes, that’s sour grapes!) you tend to lose a little bit of respect for the guys in blue.
The other day I heard an interview on the radio traffic station with a top official from the Highway Patrol (I know, I know, there’s a highway patrol???!!) He was commenting on the ways motorists can stop bleeding money thru the hefty speeding fines levied by the tell-all cameras hidden on every thoroughfare throughout the boot. His suggestion? An emphatic: Just Slow Down. Not only sage advice, but safe too. I was impressed.
Until he quickly followed it up with, “and, if you really must speed, just be sure to get to know where those cameras are hidden.”
It’s always wonderful knowing that you are fully and happily within the boundaries of your comfort zone. As for Chips? Luckily, those huge cement blocks hiding the cameras aren’t mobile. And ugly as they are, no one pays attention to them anyway.


Link to a brilliant site with everything you want to know about the Autovelox cameras, including their positionings and tips to avoid getting nailed.

New Years - Italian Style

I was hoping, in the spirit of giving, to start my first blog entry of the New Year on a very positive note. After all, who can come up with something che non va right off the bat, when surrounded by good friends, smooth wine, sensational sounds, awe-inspiring views -- heck I even enjoyed the mimes in Piazza Navona (but not the crowds). Even the nasty weather couldn’t get me down as I stood catching up with a friend near the gates of gorgeous Castel St. Angelo…So inspired, I set out to trek to see the nativity scene in St. Peters wandering back through the center just to take it all in…

All this holiday vibe, even though I had spent the 31st filling out and signing umpteen forms at the post office to pick up the year’s last ‘raccomandata’ (it's my version of those guys who dive into the ice cold Tiber each year end) while playing dodge 'em with the tellers closing windows right, front & center. I then dashed back and forth to the bank before it closed early due to ‘pre-festivi’ hours (who knew of such a thing?) only to find a line so long I wasn’t allowed in the front door. I quickly discovered the cash machine in the new year was upgraded to no longer make the most basic payments (my internet banking had logged me out eons ago). I could, however, load up my phone and buy tickets to the theater (they’re obviously getting their missives from the Post Office where I was unable to buy stamps due to a broken machine but could pay my bills, donate to charity, buy wrapping paper and check out recipes– trust me, I pleaded for simple, lickable kinds to no avail).

I still went fairly merrily along with the flow, wishing a Buon Anno and Auguri! to all I met. But then I saw it: not even near midnight I found that with the new year came even more unbelievable service upgrades. Whereby most major cities on New Year’s Eve add extra transport and increase operating hours to avoid having revelers drinking & driving – heck even in money-driven America the taxis work for free -- the Rome municipality decided the best way to ring in the New Year was to give all the bus & tram drivers a night off. Seriously. Service ended at 9pm, just when they'd close the city center to cars; basically making sure that everyone who wanted to party would get there early and stay drunk longer before getting behind the wheel. And this after they closed the only hospital right in the town center! Their deterrent? More policemen (who probably make more money in overtime than drivers), to basically arrive earlier at the scenes of the innumerable bangups that would surely take place all night long. We were assured, of course, that service would begin again promptly at 8am.

So much for logic. I’ll close with a simple toast to a New Year of wonder & contradiction with my best Prosecco, ‘cuz I gotta get driving across town...

Ice Road Trucking

Driving up to Milan this week, I realized it's been a long while since I’ve had the pedal to the metal. Only problem is, with cameras set up almost every Roman mile along the way, you seriously can no longer put the pedal to the metal. Between the inclement weather and the pit stops for Trevor, I made it up to Milan via the coastal road in well over 7 hours.

Stopping at the various Autogrills along the way, one can still sometimes find local food, or use the self-service cafeterias – Italian-style – that does not have anything to do with American versions. The food is not only edible, it actually tastes pretty good – and, it’s good for you.

But, incredibly, you can still order alcoholic drinks to go along with your meal and to ease the pain of your grueling drive. In fact, at 10am it is not uncommon to see Eastern European truckers downing a beer (or two), or asking for a vodka along with their espresso before taking off on the highway from hell.

And while it is now prohibited to sell stiff drinks to minors or anyone after 10pm (on the roads), the liquor freely flows during the day. So much so that I wonder if, buried deep in the annals of Italy’s ‘Science by Superstition’ it is written that you can only get drunk at night. Even still, that wouldn’t prevent Polish Trucker #10433 from filling up and getting loaded promptly at 9:45pm.

But, as someone pointed out in an Automobile Club blog, a trucker tipped him one day onto Italy’s national pastime, getting around the rules: just tuck the whole bottle under your arm and you can nip all night long -- an 18-wheeler version of Nip&Tuck. After all, for every rule made, there are thousands waiting to break it.

It really makes you look forward to the trip that, with the snow and ice of this week, combined with the probable levels of alcohol in drivers' blood streams, makes you feel like an extra on Ice Road Truckers. Perhaps it’s best to take the train after all.

Hell on Wheels

I am a feminist. I truly am. It’s just that when it comes to women drivers in Italy, I tend to side with the Saudis. The other day a report came out which proved one of my pet theories: SmartCar drivers were actually pretty stupid when it comes to using their automobiles. Incredibly, they were even more stupid than the SUV owners, who, by all accounts, simply ignore that there are things called lanes, stop signs and other petty inconveniences like other cars along their path, never mind parking spaces and pedestrians.

And, while you will get run down or cut off by both SmartCars and SUVs driven by both sexes fairly equally, I still believe it’s the women that cause more harm. Men, you see, actually take pleasure in using other vehicles in much the same way as little rubber ducks in a shooting gallery. The women don’t even see that there are dozens of ducks paddling along in the first place all desperately trying to avoid the one with the loaded weapon.

There was a time in the 80s and 90s when it was easy to spot these reckless drivers. Back then, husbands let their wives on the road as long as they were inside a FIAT UNO or Panda, basically the equivalent of a Chevy Chevette or Ford Fiesta, without the comforts. And in a sort of unspoken code, these guys collectively set out to mark which wives to watch out for – the women’s cars were always – without exception – white.
And so, when you found yourself anywhere near a white UNO (I might add the same car thought to have set off the crash which killed Princess Di), you knew to let them go ahead, or run the red light before they crashed into you from behind, or how to beat them so they wouldn’t lane drift right through your passenger side window.

But, unfortunately, with the new millennium, came the upgrade. These women insisted on immense SUVs for their one-child brood. Some sporty types opted for the SmartCars. All are now fully armed with cell phones on which they talk incessantly. They went from driving a mass weapon of destruction to actually becoming weapons of mass destruction. One look in your rear view mirror to see a woman on a mission, cellphone in hand, careening into your lane, you know you have no way out.

And after your car has been squashed like an accordion, they are the first to pop out screaming into their cellphones while yelling indirectly at you what a loser you are for having caused such a horrible scene. While you are busy checking your pulse to see that you are still, in fact, alive, they have already hopped back into their unscathed auto and taken off at full speed toward their next target – leaving you to ponder how life might look in Saudi Arabia.

Traveler Advisory - Milan

Each time I take a trip, it seems there’s always something new to discover – and, I don’t mean just the cultural events! Here’s a taste of the good, the bad, and the ugly of Milan:

Milan’s luggage check – don’t tell Al Qaeda, but, while they’re still going through the ridiculous machinations of x-raying our bags, they’ve finally stopped the foolishness of making a photocopy of our i.d. cards, adding an extra 4 mins. per person to the already outrageous wait time.
They must have realized, in the event that one of us did choose to blow up the 500 bags (versus just blowing oneself up amidst thousands over on the platforms), the copies of our i.d.’s would probably be shredded, and, they’d never know whodunit anyway.
Meanwhile, all the poor souls who have the most need for a luggage check, due to their extra large and heavy bags – please know that they’re not accepted. They make you weigh your bags and they have to be under the 20kg cutoff point.

And while we’re in the luggage deposit, you better plan your time properly: don’t cut it close for pickup…you will miss your train. On the Sunday before holidays, they had only 1 person on duty handling drop offs, pickups and the cash register.

Milan’s Corso Garibaldi – This has turned into one big pedestrian mall, even though it’s still a bit tough to walk on the pavement. It’s wonderful to see Milan so vibrant, with so many cafés, restaurants and bars to choose from. We had a midnight Spanish feast outdoors, with all the great people-watching there was to go with it (especially if you like seeing fully grown women trying to look like 12 yr. old boys with new! extra large hooters...)

Public Transport/Time Ticketing – if visiting Milan, your best bet for moving around is taking the lovely (but noisy) trams, which I particulary like because they keep cell phone use to a minimum. There's always the great Metro subway lines (never mind the stops are about 100m away one from another)…I buy a 24 hr. ticket and ride it heavily (3 euro). Just be aware of line changes due to construction around town (and we haven’t even started the building projects for Expo 2015).
Keep in mind that the 75 min. tickets are good for only one trip on the subway. In Rome, note that the Biglietto Giornaliero (day ticket) is only good 'til midnight of that same day.

Driving in the Centro Città -- After renting a cute little lowcost Smart car, I was probably hit with 245 euro in tickets roaming around the center. You’ll now find lots of parking places, because you’re not supposed to be there!!