Italy's Fertility Day Gives Birth to Brilliance

After years of proffering their unique brand of slap-stick humor (reaching its zenith with Johnny Stecchino, Alberto Sordi and I'd say, La Messa è Finita) it took an inane piece of legislative propaganda to make an entire nation find its sarcastic funny bone. Italy's Fertility Day may not have created the bump it was aiming for, but it certainly made for a nice bump in Twitter stocks. 
Here's the best of the bunch - delineating the best uses for a woman out there -- after which I'll break down the whole insipid debacle bit by bit:

Basically, Italy's Minister of Health (headed by a woman whose closest brush with laws and healthcare was in reading the Patient Bill of Rights once in a doctor's waiting room), decided that - instead of working with her buddy over at the Ministry for the Economy to improve work conditions and markets -- they would just give women a job to do: make and raise children. 

So, Fertility Day was planned. Italians scratched their heads on the terminology used for this piece of fascist propaganda, wondering if this meant that Brexit hadn't pulled out fast enough. For everyone else who figured fertility was close to fertilità, they either went out and watered their plants, or tuned into Pope Francis to see why he issued the statement- in English.

Women soon took umbrage at the idea that they were being asked to basically, lie back and think of Italia. Infertile women, single women who would like to adopt but can't, couples wishing to use surrogates (and can't) and all the other categories of ladies-in-waiting were irate...and not only because of the hormone imbalances as they shot themselves up hoping this time they'd fall pregnant.

Italy has cut 15% in education spending. There aren't enough day cares to meet even a fraction of the demand. And wage stagnation (steady since 1992) has eaten into incomes, with many couples struggling to make ends meet; and those are the ones with two jobs. Women's work is extremely low-paid, and the only fringe benefits are for the boss.

Women who strive to get through college (over 60% of the degrees, though our Minister isn't one of them) find themselves shut out of the job market due to plain and simple discrimination, or baseless fears that in the country with the lowest birthrate on earth, they'll be putting buns in the oven one right after the other. Like China, the single child home is a feature of the Italian landscape.
Men were not considered part of the solution, although my book illustrator, Gianfalco, offered up a pretty good one himself.

click on photo for full post redirect

The commentary was endless...and most of it was sheer brilliance. Except for the (men) naysayers who chose to rant on women who spoke truth to the power of the ill-informed.

So, after backtracking on their misconceived missive, they next double downed to issue  a pamphlet on the topic of substance abuse. 

Again, the Twitterverse was on fire: Showing sparkling white good families having fun in the sun, compared with the bad things that might happen if you surround yourself with dark people of course doing dark drugs.

It appears our Minister has let go of her communications specialist at this point.
And with that newfound Italian wit of days of yore, Italians offer a terrific turn of phrase which admirably sums up the entire fiasco:  

The mamma of imbeciles is always pregnant.

e-Harmony Italian style - Davvero?

...Really?!  I received in my inbox an invitation to try out eHarmony online dating. I think it was in Italian, and I thought, I would check out the types of guys they thought might be my perfect online match. After all, stranger things have happened. 

Now, I don't know if it was because I selected to receive their barrage of questioning in English, but, certainly, my country choice was Italy. So, I went in to face their 1375 questions that might identify that perfect person to spend the rest of my life with, or, in the very least, once mamma had been laid to rest.

The questions clearly did not change algorithms to your demographic. Suddenly, I felt like maybe it was a site for tweens trying to find someone to join them at a One Direction concert.  Who do you prefer? Madonna or Lady Gaga (citing one of the questions in which there was a minimum of name recognition)...Incredibly, None of the Above was not an option. If you chose one or the other, you received a quick, cheery message that chirped, "Great! You want to meet someone who likes Madonna!" Well, actually, no. But let's move on.

The queries were far too American-centered for my taste - and for Italy. And while I'm the first to admit that...if I've got a problem with the dating website, one can only fear for the actual date itself...One question after another referenced U.S. TV stars or movies I'd never heard of. Or shopping malls or other bizarre American traits.

So, I don't know if there's an Italian version of questioning out there, or if eHarmony just translates from that original set.  Skimming thru the questionnaire, I realized I needed a Red-White-Green version that would help me suss out the opposite sex and, pronto. 

ScrapsYard.com | Heart Break | Forward this Picture
So, eHarmony, here's a teaser for you to help you get a jump start on the Italian dating market:

• Do you still live at home?
• How old were you when you left your home?
• Do you think it's okay for your mamma to do your laundry?
• Do you believe that socks and underwear must be ironed to the point that they can stand up straight in a drawer?
• Ironing is only for women, true or false?
• Do you agree that courses served for all meals must be planned well in advance? And, perhaps in consultation with your mother?
• Your ideal living situation is in the same apartment building as your mamma?
• Laughing out loud is not good for women, true or false?
• Animals are part of the family, or filthy beasts?
• A kitchen is not fully cleaned until all bacteria is removed from every visible surface
• Pizza shall be eaten with a fork and knife always? Or just under duress?
• Sundays are for watching football? Being with mamma? Or relaxing at home?
• Just because you're married 'doesn't mean I'm dead' - true or false?
• Plastic surgery? Or botox?
• Berlusconi or Beppe Grillo?
• An 'open marriage' is only disrespectful if your partner finds out, true or false?
• Do you think bare feet in the house causes warts?

And, if you're going to give me musician choices, let's hear: Pino Daniele? Jovanotti? or Ligabue?

Anyone have any more to add?

Rome's Mayor in need of Sex Ed?

Rome's Mayor is under fire from women in the city offices as well as from women's groups who are growing more and more outspoken against the Business as usual way of Italian male-oriented politics.  When coming into office, he had two women on his twelve member team, despite laws to the contrary decrying "equal representation" of both sexes in city governments.  But this was before women took to the streets - fed up with the Ol' Boys' Clubs.
In January, he dissolved his team, shuffled it around -- and dropped a woman.  As I've mentioned in the past, despite evidence to the contrary, Italians seem to believe that a country on its last leg economically speaking should just go on the way it always has.  For most politicians, women should be seen (as eye candy) and certainly not have their voices heard through equal representation. But in January, women took the case to the courts.  And this week, they won.  The tribunal in fact came down on this gross lack of representation, and asked Alemanno to dissolve his Administration once again.
The Mayor's response?  Add a woman and make her Vice Mayor.  Following this logic, if the Vice Mayor position equals five men, where were we prior to this upset?  As for me, I'm starting to think that Mayor Alemanno simply skipped early elementary Health Ed.  
So, here's a video to set it all straight.  




Perhaps we should install those airport body scanners in City Hall, and maybe, just maybe, the Mayor might get his numbers right.

Cappuccino Caldo with Carol

My friend Carol is always scoping the news to come up with an eclectic mix of fun, strange and otherwise obtuse comments around the globe that have to do with Italy.  They are so delicious that I am embarrassed that I've kept her findings all to myself. So, every so often when something truly rich comes along, I thought I'd repost here for all to see.  So, watch this space as we bring you the best of the antics of my paesani as seen from abroad (or rather, from a broad...).

http://tv.gawker.com/#!5763799/jon-stewart-weighs-in-on-silvio-berlusconis-giant-balls

As reported today by Matt Cherette on www.tv.gawker.com  — "Now I know why Venice is sinking—it is under the weight of Silvio Berlusconi's giant balls." So said Jon Stewart at the beginning of tonight's Daily Show, wherein he detailed the shocking, unrepentant behavior of Italy's Prime Minister.  And, although it's not true that the immunity law passed (thus his current legal battles, boiling up to the surface), it's still a fun piece of reporting.

In other pictures, one terrific sign posted with unusual irony that was brought to light during the protests reads (after the govt passed huge cuts to education & research),  

Silvio - If you can get it up, you owe it to RESEARCH!

,

Francesca Maggi's...Strange But True!

There's been some seriously strange happenings around town, and I'm not referring to all those dead animals turning up (or falling out of the skies - giving new meaning to the phrase, 'drop dead').
The most horrendous incident occurred when thieves decided it's not enough to rob the living, nor is it enough to steal precious objects from ancient tombs.  Italy's most beloved showman, Mike Bongiorno, who passed away in 2009, was stolen out of his very own grave.  The thieves will ask for ransom money in return for the corpse.  Now.
Italy has a long tradition of wealthy people coveting dead saints' bodies, even traveling with them from abode to abode.  And, I know that TV personalities are demi-gods, but, really...

Turns out this is not an isolated case, with the most famous being Charlie Chaplin.  Even the money man of Italy, Banker Enrico Cuccia, was considered an account receivable to some wily grave robbers.

On a lighter note, in Sicily, a man's favorite goat died, and so the man posted those mourning notices all over town.  His heartfelt appeal?  «Unitamente ai pochissimi e preziosissimi amici e ai molti cari conoscenti profondamente affranti da dolore, comunichiamo la prematura morte del fidato Carlo il caprone!»  Along with our precious & few friends and our dear grief-stricken acquaintances, we notify you of the premature death of our trusted Carlo - The Goat! 

So nice, I may actually consider it when little Trevor meets his maker.  But, I'm not saying these two guys are related, but, it did make at least one observer wonder...And, speaking of goats, fellow blogger - Bleeding Espresso - has a new blog in which she chronicles the life of her baby goat, Pasquilina, called Goat Berries.

And, keeping in the spirit, in an 'Only in Italy' moment, a school bus was caught with its proverbial pants down -- carrying an advertisement for a Sex Shop, Erotic Dreams.
It's a good thing the tots probably don't know much English. But, considering  large adverts are prohibited within a certain distance of schoolyards, I'm wondering where the bus driver lets the kids off for school.

Berlusconi's Zipper Problem

As the press starts to state that Berlusconi's 'zipper problem' (my word, not theirs and borrowed from Bill Clinton) is beginning to be an embarrassment to the country - what with his penchant for paid prostitutes escorts, surrounding himself with underage cube dancers, and then not showing any signs of humility insofar as a father let alone the face of Italy's government.  I wonder sometimes, how deep this double (or in his case, multi-dimensional) standard goes.

 This picture comes with an excellent rhyme 

(in Italian) at this website

This week, I was invited to a conference in Florence - for the Arts - an industry in which women are prominent (but mostly cuz it's so low-paying, like everywhere else).  But once again, to hear a bunch of guys rattle on - generally reading from their pre-prepared scripts unless of course, they're making ad lib sexist jokes.
Then, a friend told me of a meeting he had in Amsterdam - between all Italians also attending a conference.  Turns out one of the two parties was a pretty serious, straight-laced fellow.  The other party, in order to 'test his mettle' decided that they'd see what he was made of.  And so, the dinner quickly diverted to the Red Light District.  I guess, if he could bag a whore, he would bag the business.
This happens the world over -- in fact, escorts doing just their job is pretty standard fare anywhere -- but you sometimes wonder, where the dividing line between upright behaviour in business ends and PMs 'defending their lifestyle' as a model example of a successful businessman cum politician begins. 
Perhaps Berlusca can turn the Zipper Problem to his advantage:  And start by zipping up his mouth.

Tante Belle Cose - October2010 / Rome's Excellent Adventures

For many of us bemoaning the status of a Grande Paese such as Italy, it seems often that for every step forward, the country takes two steps back.  But this month, that is not the case.  There have been many good inroads made here, and not only reserved for underage girls spuriously named 'Ruby', who get a 'get out of jail free' card from noneother than their supposed lover & septuagenarian benefactor, Berlusconi...

Rome's Mayor announced that plastic bags would no longer be in commerce - only biodegradable plastic bags in supermarkets and stores from 2011 onwards.

On a specific Tuesday of each month until January, Italy's State Museums (the creme of the crop) will be free and open til 11pm.  I was finally able to divine which museums on which days, but not by going to the Ministry website...Try here.

Hon. Monica Cirinnà, a Rome City Councilman, informed us of a heretofore unpublished & unpromoted juicy piece of news -- that ads showing naked or near-naked bodies will no longer appear on Rome city billboards.
Of course, the disgusting Diesel campaign showing tweens in every sort of position (one teeny-bopper was shown legs spread eagle in a supermarket vegetable aisle holding a cucumber)...made the grade as she was clothed...

And, in the (very likely) event that these same girls end up getting man-handled, the City of Rome will now be one of the plaintiffs prosecuting the cases -- every one of these incidents also reflects negatively on the image as a whole of Roma.               This decision came down just as the Romanian nurse was pounded in the face by an Italian man she crossed insults with in the subway -- ending up in an irreversible coma and then dying.  It may not prevent these crimes, but it's an example for the rest of the world.

Sex, Lies and Dvds

History has just been made: An Italian politician just went down for his sexual picadillos, in what is a very first for this country. I mean, we’re talking about the place that gave us Caligula, Popes with 17 kids, Caesar & Cleopatra and then Marc Antony & Cleopatra, and Emperors gifting sumptuous villas for their mistresses. It was the Italians who remarked upon seeing photos of Gary Hart on the ‘Monkey Business’ with a pretty blonde (who was not his wife), that he most likely would have lost his candidacy if he’d been on the Monkey Business and not tried something. And so, catching Marazzo, the Governor of Rome’s great Lazio region with his pants down and taking the fall? This is nothing short of monumental.

Has Italy suddenly become prudish? Not if you count the numbers of men (and women) who back Berlusconi’s affairs as a sign of his ‘virility’. No, with all the drama of an Italian tragic opera, it wasn’t one of your plain vanilla puritan American affairs; getting caught sleeping around, or paying for escorts, or getting blown in the oval office, or even chasing pages (these transgressions don’t even cause blips on the radar screen). He was caught – on tape – shacking up with transvestites. But that’s only the QuickRead version of the story. It grows more complex by the minute.

What started out as his ‘personal weakness’ for the likes of Natalí and Brenda, later involved four Carabinieri policemen who filmed him in the act (for whom?, one might ask). He tried offering them hush money. The film supposedly ends up, however, in the hands of one of the huge media outlets – who warns him about it, rather than publishing it. That person is also the one running the country, Berlusconi. Speaking of Prime Ministers, the building is the same one in which Aldo Moro was famously held prisoner before being murdered. The same neighborhood where Italy's Secret Service purportedly own 22 other apartments (begging the question...did they murder Moro?). Or, did the Carabinieri have ties to Rome's local mafia, the Casalesi, and is it true, they have other hot videos (involving other ex-Ministers)?
As the climax of Marazzo’s personal and professional life is spent as fast as a man after well, climax, he's taken a leave of absence from his job. Unfortunately, just when Berlusconi’s men are maintaining a public campaign to halt absenteeism for false maladies – Marazzo goes home and gets a note from the doctor. The opposition cries foul, and presses for new elections – surely to win.
And, speaking of Berlusconi, the spotlight's now off the uncannily quiet Berlusca and his escorts, and shining brightly on the left, where the dirt is so murky, his own affairs pale by comparison. Hmmmmm...those accusations now seem like fun foreplay when set against the after-glow of Marazzo's transvestite trysts.

Shakespeare set his plays in Italy, for all the intrigue and fascination the place obviously held even back in his day. But Shakespeare, if he were alive today, could never have predicted such a convoluted unfolding of events.
As for me, since the days of seeing Gary Hart's Presidential campaign go impotent, up to John Edwards' premature ejection from public life, I still can’t figure out for the life of me, why public figures don’t keep their privates private – at least for the time they’re occupying a public office.

p.s. You can read an update here:
In a great show of support, opposition politician and media mogul Silvio Berlusconi has stated that the video will not go published on any of his media outlets. Yet another genius move by the great Chess player.
Birds of a feather...

Those Dastardly Brits

Once again, I am compelled by the absurdity of the situation to look beyond my borders to bring you some news: A quick look through the local papers, and it would appear the Brits like making as many inane laws as the Italians. Whereas usually in Italy it's the judges who bring down wildly incomprehensible sentences...like when one said a woman who is raped while wearing jeans is obviously consenting to the act...for the difficulty of taking them on/off (never mind she might have a gun to her head)...Or, that 36 year olds living at home are entitled to an allowance.


But these days, it's the UK that seems to be taking the cake.

- First they are toying with a ruling that would allow -- I repeat, allow, teachers to have sex with students, even minors. Or, not make it a felony, in the very least.

- Then, in a country in which dozens of young men have died by knifings, a fashion house decided to take advantage of the exploding market and sell a coat with a knife already in the pocket...I guess they're putting new meaning to the word pocketknife. They're looking into a law against this one.

- But, to moderate the violence, they passed a law that it would be a crime for parents to hit children which leave marks. But, many lawmakers don't think that goes far enough, so they want to include slapping in the bill, too. So, who's going to tell the tots what their rights are? And, how to dial emergency when it should happen?

- And lately, the government has been entertaining the possibility of introducing (or not) Sharia law in the UK. Considering that the number 1 name over there is now Mohammmed, perhaps that wouldn't be such a hot idea right about now.

And the UK Independent newspaper actually had the nerve to whinge...(and directly quote Byron I might add), "that in Italy, if it's fun, there's probably a law that outlaws it"...
At least Italy appears to be going in the right direction!

United States of Denial

Many people have been asking me what were the comments over in Europe about the Governor of New York’s dalliances on the dark side. I must say that in Italy, the entire incident received quite scant attention. The blurb was pretty much relegated to that of turning to the comics pages and checking out ‘Ripley’s Believe it or Not!”. [Although the bathing suit shot of Spitzer’s hooker did garner a few extra choice placements….]

Once again, the Italians were flummoxed by the complete contradiction of America, with its ‘Sex & the City’ tales and then, its utter contempt when someone goes out into that very city to have sex.

In Italy, it’s not the whores who bring the guy down out of Government: not so long ago, it was the strippers who, after parading topless in the streets, actually formed the ‘Party of Love’ and went on to find a few places in Parliament! Perhaps Spitzer could follow in their platform shoe steps. This year, a porno queen decided to part with the standard posters of stiffs in suits (no pun intended), and decided to show her stuff in a different light, so to speak.

Typically, as the ‘man on the street’ comments go, it amounts to: “If he were an Italian politician, he’d be outed from office for NOT having done it!!” They said the same thing about Gary Hart after he was caught on the ‘Monkey Business’. After all, in Italy, even the real white collar crimes of payoffs, mafia connections, graft & corruption go unpunished, judging by the 50-odd convicted criminal politicians still sitting in Parliament, to keep up their own Monkey Business.

I believe the only reason the hanky-panky doesn’t make headlines here is that most journalists, whistle blowers and the opposition in this Catholic country are pretty much Bible Fearin' types: “He who has no sin cast the first stone”.

And, just like during the cold war, it keeps everyone in a state of détente and, a state of denial.